???The recent smoking ban on campus hasn't yet been implemented, but UB is gearing up for the war against tobacco by re-facing the Anti-Rape Task Force vans to read, "Anti-Smoke Task Force." No more will smokers terrorize our air and kill their lungs on our campus without proper punishment.
???The UB administration feels that they must fully enforce the smoking ban and that helping students quit is the task force's number-one priority, since there hasn't been a rape in a while anyway. The outrage by smokers, and the help of a loophole, has led to competing vans patrolling the campuses allowing smokers to legally smoke while a driver gives them a tour of the new smoke-free campus.
???"Many are aware of the dangers of smoking, but we feel that we need to help them with their problems," said Wilhelm Zaisser, chief director of Student Enforcement. "The new police force will be on duty 24/7, patrolling the campuses armed with handcuffs, ashtrays and Febreeze."
???The success has already shown in the first hours of the Anti-Smoke Task Force's existence, citing over 200 students on North Campus alone. Paul P. Stasi, Chief of the ASTF, said that the citations are just the beginning.
???"Students who are found smoking are issued a citation and forced to appear at the Student-Wide Judiciary," Stasi said. "We don't expect this to get in the way of the [Student-Wide] Judiciary's other matters."
???Many smokers at UB are dismayed that the university would take such a strong stance on social enforcement, but their questions were answered when it was revealed that the first universities to fully ban tobacco receive hundreds of thousands of dollars from Albany.
???"I'm quitting smoking, something that would've never happened without the coercion of the UB Administration," said Crint McCarthy, a senior undecided major. "And with the grant money, I fully trust the administration to use this money to cut my tuition, I think."
???Students like McCarthy are found everywhere, joyously crushing their packs of cigarettes in celebration, marking this day as a new dawn for their habits.
???"The healthier lifestyle is just as addicting as nicotine," said Halldor Grimsson, sophomore photography major. "I'm going on a diet soon, so I hope UB bans Taco Bull and Burger King as well."
???However, already there are entrepreneurs capitalizing on the new-found black market of smoking on campus. Multiple grey vans can be seen shuttling smokers around campus for a $2 fee.
???Marcus Jefferson, a sophomore business major, spotted a loophole in the wording of the smoking ban, allowing students to smoke in their cars. So he borrowed his uncle's vans and picks up smokers at various locations, takes them for a ride while they enjoy a hard-earned cigarette, and drops them off when they are done.
???"I thank the current UB administration for this opportunity to make tons of money," Jefferson said. "Smokers are still going to find a place to satisfy their urge, I'm simply making it easier for them, and making myself some bucks."
???As for the grant money that UB will be getting as a result of the smoking ban, President of UB Affairs stated that the money will cover most of the bill for the Anti-Smoke Task Force.
???In other best-case-scenario news, GM motors released record profits and UB2020 will now be completed next year.
*April Fool's Issue Disclaimer - The content of this article was published as a "joke" and may contain invalid or false information.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
