UB students who flooded the Student Union this semester protesting the war against Iraq are celebrating today, after a surprise announcement from President George W. Bush.
"The war is over," declared President George W. Bush, carefully using one-syllable words while abruptly ending the two-week conflict in the Middle East. "To be honest, it was those protestrating (sic) college kids from MTV University."
Ari Fleischer, the White House press secretary, later clarified that by "MTV University," Bush meant the University at Buffalo.
"I might not have ever went (sic) to classes and such 'academicy' (sic) stuff like that," said Bush, "but I do love the boob tube, and any university that has a commitment to promoting those DZO girls has my attention."
The protestors, who at the height of the protests included upwards of two dozen students, seem to have accomplished their task, since Coalition troops will be brought home, ending "Operation Iraqi Freedom."
At a press conference from the Pentagon, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, obviously annoyed at the president's decision, mumbled something about an acorn falling from a tree and being eaten by squirrels - all while carving a mustachioed voodoo doll from the tusk of an endangered African elephant.
General Tommy Franks, from U.S. Central Command in the Persian Gulf nation Qatar, expressed his disappointment in not 'bagging the big fish,' but said that he was satisfied with commandeering southern Iraq's oil fields.
"It would've been nice to drag Saddam's body through the streets," Franks said wistfully, "but now the president can get back to doing America's business at home, namely lobbying Congress and playing Parcheesi with the first lady and Karl Rove."
The president, wanting not to be outdone, held a second press conference to add to the sentiments of his chief military advisor and commanding officer.
"I just wanted to express my gratitudity (sic) to the American military, who have ultimately no choice in any of this should I change my mind again."
He then added, "Don't worry, the evildoers will still pay, I have a couple of tricks up my sleeve, of course I won't tell any of you what they are, but they do mostly involve something that rhymes with 'CIA wassassination.'"
The leader of the successful UB protest, who declined to be named by anything other than his AOL Instant Messenger screen name, JiM12KellY4eVa, said he was stunned by the president's announcement as he heard it broadcasted over WRUB's campus cable station.
"We totally never expected anything like this," JiM12KellY4eVa said. "I basically just needed a way to haze my pledges, especially after the zoo beefed up security. We're, like, totally stoked that Bush decided to stop bombing the Iroquois (sic) though, that's just whack."
Foreign reaction was mixed and largely undecipherable as no one from The Spectrum can speak more than one language.
However, Jean-Paul-Marie-Luc "Pierre" D'LaFlabeux, a French professor, told us that the Jacques Chirac, the president of France, was "really jazzed" and that he was looking forward to the House of Representatives changing their minds about the whole 'freedom fries' thing.
Also, Tony Blair of Britain, the staunchest ally of the United States in this conflict, commented that he believed Hussein was still a threat to global security and that millions of Iraqis would now be subject to even more brutal repression in addition to regional stability further deteriorating.
In related news, Secretary of State Colin Powell announced that he was stepping down from his position to pursue Canadian citizenship. Taking over for Powell is the newly appointed Philip Fort, known to most UB students as the defeated SA presidential candidate for the UB Chillin' Party.
"I just think that the U.S. hasn't done enough to get other countries involved, y'know? It's like I was gonna go to Washington and ask Congress for my tax money back, but then as I was there, I thought, 'hey, man, why not change things?'" Fort asked.
When told that he couldn't actually get a refund on his taxes, he muttered something about a form and proceeded to accost the Peruvian delegation over not voting for him last week.
"I'm pissed," said UB student Jim Albert, a junior majoring in media studies and African-American studies. "The war is definitely my favorite show, and now that they've cancelled it, like, what the hell else am I gonna do?"
Albert isn't alone; many students think that ending the war is the wrong decision.
"As a staunch liberal, now that Bush has taken my side, what am I going to protest?" said College Democrat Amanda Baitman a sophomore feminazi studies major. "I hate him so much. As Democrats, our only platform is to disagree with everything the president says, so this is one less thing to complain about with my friends at Spot Coffee."
Conservative reaction was equally mixed, as warmongers and Bushies quarreled over the president's decision.
"I support everything our fearless and exalted leader decides," said Jeremy Parker, a freshmen undecided major, described by friends as a "big tool."
"We need to get rid of these unpatriotic commies who oppose their president," Parker continued. "The future of a free people depends on dissent being quashed."
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
