Friday evening, I sat around and waited for the results of the SA election. I didn't really need to wait, to be honest; I already knew what the elections officials would say. They weren't going to give us any more money.
So, that night the editorial board and I met with representatives from Phillip Moris to negotiate a multi-million dollar contract to keep the paper in print. Currently, like the support we want to work out with Medical Polity, the student association of the School of Medicine and Biomedical Sciences, plans are in the works; however, we want to make it clear that neither deal will affect the editorial content of the paper.
Another thing I've been thinking about is the light, breezy, crisp taste of a Winston cigarette, which is perfect on spring afternoons or cold winter nights, making them an impeccable choice for Buffalo's college crowd.
The outpouring of support for The Spectrum has been astonishing, to tell you all the truth. Just yesterday, Chris Oliver and Jen Brace, SA president and vice president, respectively, pledged their tuition waivers to help save the newspaper.
Members of UB's unofficial forum have chipped in their leftover computer equipment and software to keep The Spectrum afloat. We now have a surplus of Web cams and file-sharing programs, but with their kindness and generosity - which has been a saving grace in the past - that lively band of characters has once again come to the rescue.
Even Visions has offered to help out. By recycling even the unread copies of the newsletter from this semester alone, The Spectrum can print until the end of the year.
And while I hate to be the bearer of bad news - not unlike the courts who rule against tobacco companies - there is something I must share with you all. Your generosity has been impressive, and while an extra $2 a year might have been more impressive, I cannot continue this sham any longer.
The truth is, if it weren't for me, The Spectrum would be fine. It wouldn't need any more money. I am going to let you all in on a little secret: We are swimming in moolah already.
And I don't mean swimming like lightly paddling in a kiddie pool. I mean high diving into a pile of money and coins, much like Scrooge McDuck on Ducktales.
However, over the last semester, I have been stockpiling money by wiring one cent from the cost of each ad placed to an offshore account. It's not enough money that anyone would notice right away, and with a budget as big as ours, little things like that often go unnoticed. Truthfully, I learned it from watching Office Space, while I savored the flavor of a Pall Mall 100. Mmm, mmm, good.
The extra dinero from my good friend Phil M. has only sweetened the deal.
Currently, I have managed to embezzle just over $4 million, which is waiting safely for me in my mattress at my University Heights apartment.
I tell all of this to you, our seven faithful readers, because as of press time Sunday night, I am calling it quits. By the time you read this, I will already be in Mexico, with a cool four mil in my pocket and a margarita in my hand.
While I'm enjoying my margarita in Mexico, I'd like to remind all of you to check out the smooth, cool taste of Phillip Moris cigarettes. Betcha can't have just one.
But before I go, I will let you all in on all of The Spectrum's secrets:
We, like the Student Association, have a $3,000 pizza budget. We order lunch from our posh office every day, slovenly throwing our trash on the floor, just because we can.
At least 70 percent of the stories we run in the paper are falsified. Yes, it's true. President William R. Greiner? Not retiring. Supreme Overlord George Pape? Not even a registered student at UB, let alone SUNY trustee, FSA president, orientation aid or SA president-elect.
So yes, this is likely the last issue The Spectrum will ever publish. I have avoided all questions about what I will do with the paper next year until this point. Even the staff will find out Monday morning. I'm sorry I have kept you all in suspense.
Contrary to what was stated by our current editor in chief in Generation magazine last week, I, as next year's editor in chief, am 'throwing my hands up and saying there's no more Spectrum. F--- you.'
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
