Thursday night, the world asked itself the question that has been burning in the hearts of acne-faced teens for years:
Am I hot?
In an amazing stride forward, the ABC network has brought soft-core porn to prime time television, with the new show, "Am I Hot?" which dares to find the sexiest man and woman in America and reward them for it with money.
Whew, and not a moment too soon. I was worried for a second that "Joe Millionaire," "Survivor, Season 182: Geriatric Unit" and any of the 39 shows that tries to set up complete strangers to get married would not accurately portray the dashing wit and intelligence of the American populace.
Here's the kicker: the American people watched - and loved - the show. I guess it's hard to portray filet minion when you're working with ground chuck.
More than 10.1 million people tuned in to watch the show Thursday, just about double ABC's usual ratings for programming for the 9 p.m. time slot, according to Nielsen Media Research. For that time slot, ABC also tripled its viewers in the 'adults under 50' demographic.
For the nine people who weren't glued to their television last week, the show features a parade of people walking by the camera with close-ups of their abs and backsides.
Then Lorenzo Lamas, dizzy from one too many left turns on the runway and barely conscious from lack of nutrition, supermodel Rachel Hunter and designer Randolph Duke get to tell that person that he or she is either "hot" or "not" based on a point scale.
Little known fact: ABC executives actually got the idea for this show when one of their undercover talent scouts hidden in an air conditioning vent at a middle school in Vermont overheard some boys in study hall talking about the "slam book" they had started.
Devastated contestants sobbed after the show when they were told their knees were too curvy by Rachel Hunter, whose steady diet of club soda and cigarettes makes her an authority on both self-worth and combination skin.
"My dream is shattered," cried one contestant, again and again.
And over 10 million people watched in fascination as these people were torn to shreds.
Which brings us to the Grammy awards. Well, like the commercials at the Super Bowl, a lot of people only watch for one thing - the fashions.
Magazines will be filled with multi-page spreads about who was hot and who was not. I think we can all vividly recall the pictures of J.Lo's cleavage revealing dress from years past.
The skeletal remains of Joan Rivers hosts her own Grammy show dedicated to talking about who is beautiful and who is not.
Then there's the makeover television. A friend told me a while back about watching a documentary series that found the ugliest, most unhappy people and "fixed them." The station gave the people thousands of dollars of plastic surgery to make life bearable for them.
It's amazing the happiness that can be bought by beauty.
Even last week's "Dateline NBC" special on Michael Jackson's plastic surgery and his ever-changing face captured 14.6 million viewers. Although, I suspect the fascination over Jackson does not stem from his plastic surgery, but more from his traffic-accident-like public persona.
Now, I understand that different things are beautiful in different cultures.
The longneck women of Mae Hong son in Thailand use metal rings to push their ribcage down, creating the effect of a longer neck. To them that is beautiful. Chinese foot binding was used because it was beautiful and didn't allow women the opportunity to run away from their husbands. It was a status symbol.
The things that Hunter, Lamas, Rivers and Duke - who became an authority for what reason? - judge people for, are a direct result of the society in which we live.
So what does the fact that these shows turn up each season on television mean? Are we, as a culture, swayed by these television shows to be obsessed with beauty? Or do these shows merely play on the already existing fascination with beauty and voyeurism?
Was it the chicken or the egg? Burger King's tacos or indigestion?
I still find it hard to believe that there are actually people who want to get in front of millions of people while judges rate their bodies and faces.
But the fact is, studies have shown that beautiful people do better in life than average-looking people. They garner more respect, earn higher wages and live more confident lives.
Studies have also shown that about 13 percent of college-age women will develop eating disorders. Currently, it is estimated that five million people in America have eating disorders.
Television shows like this and attitudes like these are what perpetuate the body image of people our age, and I wonder of those five million, how many tuned in Thursday night as the good looking guy with the nice biceps only got a 5.8 rating and wondered why they weren't hot.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
