Fruitcake Dolphin fans everywhere have been rejoicing over Miami's 49-14 victory over the Detroit Lions, the 21-13 win against the Colts and their 30-3 shellacking of the Jets. They all think this is the year they go to the Super Bowl, because they got a few early wins, like they always do. Typical. Wow, you guys beat the Lions; you truly do deserve pats on the back. But, hey guess what? Listen very closely now. YOU WILL NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITH THAT HOMELY BUM JAY FIEDLER AS YOUR QUARTERBACK.
Give credit where credit is due, though, at least the Dolphins finally picked up a running back that suits them. Ricky Williams breaks down 10 games into the season just like the Miami Dolphin's team always does. Get ready for another "shocking" late-season collapse super-fans.
J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets! Ha! This team is headed straight to the crapper extremely fast. Although both the Bills and Jets have the same record, and the Jets did beat the Bills (thanks to Testaverde's lucky do-rag), we all know in which opposite directions these teams are headed. While the Bills are headed to contention, the Jets are on a freight train straight back to the atrociousness of the Rich Kotite era.
Everyone saw the appalling attack on Kansas City Royals' first base coach Tom Gamboa last week by two shirtless, toothless, confederate flag waving, Garth Brooks listening, redneck hee-haws, but there have been some startling revelations that have come to light as of recent.
In a picture taken of the assailants before the attack, it showed them both wearing Doug Flutie jerseys. They had been celebrating the anniversary of the conception of Flutie's mullet, and apparently they had each eaten three boxes of expired Flutie Flakes before the game, which had hallucinogenic effects on the two. That combined with the fact that most Flutie fans can't read, they thought that the name "Gamboa" said "R. Johnson" and, well, they just ran on the field and went hog wild. Flutie fans never cease to amaze.
I was watching the old re-runs of Saturday Night Live on Comedy Central the other day and, to my dismay, the episode where Deion Sanders hosts the show was on. Man, was that painful. "Neon Deion" has to be one of the biggest retards of all time. Nothing he said was funny; in fact, watching him made me contemplate throwing myself out my second floor window, "Exorcist"-style.
The worst part of it was the performance of his song, "Must be the Money." God save our souls. If there is a hell, I think this "song" plays 24-7 there. I think even Abner Louima would rather have to deal with the plunger handle again rather than listen to that nightmare-inducing song.
Seriously, Pete Sampras, I have one word for you. Rogaine. You may have proved to the world that you can still win the big one, but c'mon now, you know when Andre Agassi's hair looks better than yours there are definitely some problems up top.
I almost expected Richard Simmons to run out as the Seattle Seahawks quarterback when I saw those ridiculous new, head to toe, all blue-green uniforms they are sporting. Those rags look like the jumpsuit that Simmons wears when he is "Sweatin' to the Oldies" with his Subway-eating friends.
The Mets-Marijuana scandal. Need I say more? These guys write the headlines for themselves, they almost make it too easy. I'm just going to quote an ESPNEWS anchor for this one.
"We will leave it with the fact that the Mets are 64-68 on grass this season."
The Anaheim Angels in the MLB playoffs? No way, it can't be true. Christopher Lloyd has to be flying around in the outfield or something. That's the only way I see this being a possibility.
So Shawn "let's blow some lines" Kemp gives back millions of dollars to the Portland Trail Blazers and gets released. He then signs a deal with the Orlando Magic for a contract that is a fraction of his former one. Something is fishy here. My bet is that Kemp just wants to go to Disney World and trip his mind off. I can see him swimming in the murky waters of Pirates of the Caribbean pretending to be a sea monster, or hanging out with Jafar in their own "Magic Castle."
Please shut up about the Randy ratio. Please, please please.
I don't care what anyone says, the Ultimate Warrior always sucked, and Marc Summers (of Double Dare fame) was always the man.
Now can you dig that.Suckaaaa!
