Walking away from mass on Ash Wednesday, I found myself examining my belief in the Catholic faith. While I felt proud to sport my new "smudge" - the term my roommates gave the ashen cross on my forehead - and even became angry when others looked at me with confusion.
I realized that I do not agree with what the Catholic faith stands for.
From the time I was born up until my senior year of high school my parents made me attend mass with them every Sunday morning. They staunchly believed that the teachings would instill a sense of community and would give me morals to live by. They ultimately succeeded in their wish, but as I grew up going to church left me increasingly angry and confused.
I have always been taught that God welcomes and loves all people. Priests and Sunday school teachers present you with an all-loving God - he is your friend, your creator and most importantly your guide in life.
As I became a teenager though, my Sunday school teachers started adding a disclaimer next to "all-loving." I started realizing that he is only all loving if you are a Christian heterosexual man or woman who follows every commandment to a tee.
Too bad if you're gay, God doesn't love you any more. If you're a woman and have had an abortion you might as well give up because God is going to smite you. And if you believe in other religions, forget it.
According to one of the Ten Commandments, "You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth." that's one of the worst possible offenses.
These statements and others left me feeling at odds with my faith, so much so that I have taken three courses in Bible study. While I respect those who believe in the Christian faith, the biggest question I have been struggling with is how I can believe in a God that loves me conditionally.
As I continued in the Catholic faith more loopholes presented themselves. God doesn't approve of gay people, but he does approve of incest. In the book of Genesis, Eve gave birth to two sons named Cain and Abel. When they were teenagers Cain killed Abel in a field near their house. God decrees that Cain, his wife and children must live in the field where Able was killed as a punishment.
Where did Cain's wife come from? Did she fall from the sky? Did Cain sleep with Eve? This question is one that I've posed to my friends and even some of my old Sunday school teachers. Their answer was always that God made another woman for Cain to procreate with.
This answer and many like it have simply left me feeling even more perplexed. I'm sure I am not the only Catholic on campus that began questioning her faith after coming to college.
So where do we go from here? I am left in what seems to be a small but growing group of Catholics who are now realizing that their all-loving God is really a sham. It's a lot like finding out that the all-powerful Oz is really just some guy behind a curtain.
The ongoing struggle that I'm experiencing with my faith is something I fear will never be resolved. Do I still go to church, should I still consider myself a Catholic or should I abandon all hope of ever finding any real answers?
For those that are struggling with the same questions that I am the only wisdom I can provide is this: find your own way.
These days I've started to create my own faith foundation. In my opinion God is all loving and would not shun a person because of sexual preference, hard decisions they've made or their religion.
Some people have asked why don't you just switch to a religion that you agree with? Although that seems like the perfect solution, I know that no matter what religion I switch to there will always be aspects of it that I don't agree with.
While my current opinions on the Catholic faith have left me at odds with my parents and my strict Christian friends on many occasions, these obstacles haven't stopped me from following what I truly believe. I can't pretend to be what I'm not.
Now when people ask me "What's your religion?" I answer I'm Catholic and then add my own disclaimer: I'm Catholic but on my own terms, ones that aren't built on prejudice.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
