Across the nation, college students are collectively murmuring two words - spring break. These two words mean many different things to many different people. Everyone has a different idea of what to do, and there is no "right" spring break. While everyone goes off in different directions, we will all return to Buffalo, and get that opportunity to initiate a conversation with someone we haven't spoken to in a while by asking them, "How was your break?" Since there are a few very common spring break experiences, I've gone to the trouble of providing a quick guide on how to decode the answer you are given to that question.
The first option is to just stay home. Once you rediscover the comfortable confines of your own room with someone who will cook and clean for you, the temptation to remain sedate is strong. This, of course, leads to a break of renting B horror movies and staying up late watching infomercials. You'll have a few awkward moments when you are going to bed and you pass one of your parents waking up and going to work. You'll consider staying up and having breakfast with them; you won't the first time, but if it happens again you will.
The day before I ... err ... I mean ... those students ... return to school, they will shave, shower and do laundry to make up for the previous week. Those students will return to school slightly heavier, but much more refreshed. The Sunday night before classes, they will realize that they have a paper due the next morning and the bags under the eyes will reappear. When asked about the break, they will respond, "Eh, it was okay. I just hung out at home and caught up with a few things, you know, saw some movies, hung out with my family, that kind of stuff." They will also swear that next year they are going somewhere warm.
The "somewhere warm" spring break is the modus operandi of the Tara Reid types all over campus. She is too young to drink legally in Buffalo, but that doesn't stop her. Her spring break was booked the day after spring break ended last year, as a return to the tropical beach on her father's credit card is a guaranteed right. The week before she leaves to spend time in the sun, she will start tanning, for reasons that are still unexplained.
When she is asked how her spring break was, she will respond with a roll of pictures where she is seen getting the strings of her bikini tugged and in the company of drunken guys from different states ready to grope her. Then she will offer something like, "Omigod! It was so much fun! I met this cute guy from Texas who was so sweet. I loved his accent! Everything about it was so perfect!" What she left out was the fact that the guys she met were nice to her because they saw the perfect opportunity to sleep with her and never see her again. As for the trip, there are two-to-one odds she woke up next to a guy she didn't know, and three-to-one that it was a girl she didn't know. If you try to ask for specific details, she will leave the conversation to reserve next year's spring break depravity.
Her spring break pictures will be most interesting to the buff alcoholic who lives on her hall who has been coveting her the whole semester but has been wasting his time with girls whose phone numbers magically ended up in his cell phone after a night out. His spring break will have been spent visiting every bar in a 50- to 60-mile radius with every friend from high school. They are all required to come home for the weekend, no matter what school they go to.
When he gets asked about his spring break, the first words out of his mouth will be, "So we were getting messed (edited for language) up ..." The rest of the semester will be filled with amusing stories of fighting, garbage plates, lost pieces of clothing, back alleys and all sorts of competitions. The frightening part is that all of these stories are completely true, and you will find yourself feeling slightly disgusted at first, but then jealous enough to want in on it next time.
The final clich?(c) experience is that of the female college hopper. This enterprising student will visit every friend who attends a school in a three-hour radius, often times spending the night helping with homework or meeting the secondhand friends. These reunions are so cute they make you want to puke, and they are characterized by hooded sweatshirts and Aerobeds - the only two things completely necessary. She will try to meet as many new people as possible and catch up on all the important girl things. When she gets back to school, she will start comparing everything about those other schools to UB. When she is asked how her break was, she will not realize that while she was supposed to get away from school, she has an unhealthy obsession with college life, and her lack of escape will eventually lead to future mental breakdowns. If you hear of anyone doing this and saying they had fun, immediately refer them to the Living Well Center for a drum circle.
As spring break has already started for a few and is hours away for others, I can only impart a few words to my faithful reader(s?): forget Buffalo. If you spend any of your spring break talking about schoolwork or the miserable weather, it is a failure. Get out and don't look back until you have to. I hope everyone has a safe, healthy and peaceful spring break, and that we'll all return to a warmer and sunnier Buffalo.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
