Here there be tygers

For five years I have heard countless parents tell countless children as they stand on the cusp of it that "college is a time of exploration;" that these years would show them things they never could have imagined existed.

I didn't start laughing at this bizarre benediction until the third year, though.

Think about it. College is a time for exploration. They might as well wish for their children to live in interesting times. These words, so saccharine and full of promise, could be a curse; there's no guarantee they'll like what they find.

When I was 20, I put a cigarette out on the back of my hand because I was up for beer pong and I couldn't find an ashtray. Now I have a scar on the back of my hand that looks like the Mastercard logo. Tell me that was something I wanted to find.

I'm scared all the time. A while back I started having panic attacks, and when I dealt with those I found that the sensation of fear that accompanied the attacks lingered. The sense I get from the people I've talked to is that this probably won't go away.

I don't like people, as a group. I'm an optimist for the human race, but I find a lot of human behavior too grating to tolerate. I won't fill the column with this, but I can indulge just one:

Freshman couples: stop making out in the Student Union.

I understand you're young and in love, but cut the sh*t or I'm going to spray you with a hose.

Besides that, I don't even know what I'm doing.

Get the idea? I've got a diploma coming in the mail some time soon, but I got a secondary education here that I didn't expect, for which there is no academic accolade.

A wise man that didn't get much credit, Calvin's dad of Calvin and Hobbes fame, once said: "I don't think I would have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I had known the whole thing was ad-libbed."

I used to get mad deep inside because no one warned me what life was, but then I started to wonder: what could anyone have possibly said to me that I would have believed?

We're not in this alone - that much I know. We think we are, but we're all going through this together, and we're all just as sure we're up the creek as everyone else. Ask around, you'd be surprised. I understand how hard it is to present yourself as vulnerable; I'll go first.

My name is Ben Mumford-Zisk. I'm scared all the time and I thought I would be happier by now, but I'm not. Even on a path, I'm still scared of every move I make.

I'm having more fun now than I have ever had before. Fear is an indicator; it tells me what I have to look out for. It's like spider-sense for life itself.

We shun fear and pity the fearful, the same way we shun sadness and pity the depressed, but when you fear a feeling it becomes your master. Fear is not an irrational emotion; if you're afraid, it means you care about the outcome of something. Fear is being really, really committed.

Why shun an emotion that tells us we're still alive? Viva fear. Viva the feeling I get in my roots when I think about my life, and what I want to do with it. It's like wanting to puke and laugh at the same time.

The world is a brutal place and I can feel it in my balls; people are animals, but I think I can handle it. That is what my time here has earned me. I am an adult, now, a man; inexperienced and young, but a man.

Happy birthday to me.