???In a move that follows closely with President John B. Simpson's UBreathe Free initiative, adult learners will face new regulations in the fall of 2009 in a move that the university president said is the next step in making the community a more pleasant place.
???In a press conference Tuesday, Simpson announced that adult learners - classified, as students over the age of 25 - must comply with the new system, should they wish to remain in the undergraduate college.
???"We are trying to provide a balance for all of our students, so that everyone gets an equal opportunity to learn, and to not be distracted in class," Simpson said. "Unfortunately, we've found that adults in the undergraduate college tend to be the portion of the student population most disturbing and, really just the most annoying."
???The university president cited instances of adult learners raising their hands relentlessly, arguing excessively with professors and bringing their small children to class as the major grievances the majority population has with adult learners.
???The new policy is derived from last week's town hall meetings, in which the university president faced a number of inquiries regarding what can be done about adult learners.
???"One of the main grievances we see with adult learners is that they raise their hands too much, and say things that are just not pertinent to class discussion," Simpson said. "As such, adult learners will be given one hand-raising opportunity per week. If they want to ask a question, they'll have to swipe their UB cards - it'll be a strict limit, so that question better be a damn good one."
???In addition to the hand-raising regulation, classrooms will now be equipped with a buzzer for the purposes of stopping the incessant ramblings of adult learners.
???"I'm really looking forward to having something at my disposal to stop those people from talking," said Bruce Jackson, a distinguished English professor. "I mean, it's not like I teach anyway, but when I had students back in '98, they just yammer on - I really almost resorted to kicking them in the face a few times. This should help."
???As of the start of the fall semester, diapers, coloring books, crayons, bottles and the like will be considered contraband, according to Simpson. Students found to be in violation of this policy will "be kicked out on their asses, like the freeloaders they are," Simpson said.
???When asked to elaborate, Simpson turned red, blew up his cheeks like a blowfish and was quickly rushed off stage by - well, we can only assume, the guys holding the puppet strings.
???John Martin, SA treasurer, was at the forum. He believes that the new regulations are warranted, but hopes the new policy will not hamper his sex life.
???"Adult learners are most commonly single mothers, so they're easy targets," Martin said. "There's nothing like sitting in Art History 101 and chumming up to a nice looking 40-something. You ask those broads for a study date, they'll put out and give you the answers to the homework."
???Dennis Black, vice president of Student Affairs, takes no stance on the new policy.???
???"I'm completely neutral," Black said.
???When pressed further about his role in representing all students through Student Affairs, Black still declined to comment.
???"Look, I really didn't even know about this until this morning, but if John Simpson said it, it's probably right," Black said. "It's good to trust authority figures blindly. Not me though - as I said, I'm out of it. Completely neutral. In fact, don't quote me."
???Hassan Farah, 2009-10 SA president-elect, agrees with the new policy, though he lamented that he will miss coloring with the children of single mothers in class.
???"I love those crayons man, there's no better feeling than coming home from class with a newly-colored picture of Mickey Mouse for the fridge," Farah said. "Oh but adult learners? They are so f*cking annoying. I'm glad Simpson is doing something about them. I mean that was part of my campaign, but really, what do these students want me to do?"
???Martin too, said he feels the policy will clearly define student rankings.
???"Adult learners really need to realize that they're "second-class citizens," [Martin used air quotes for emphasis] and they should start acting as such."
???Martin also sees hidden perks in these restrictions.
???"If my baby mamas can't bring their kids to class, they can't nag me for child support," he said. "This is college. If you can't be like everyone else, you've got to beat it. "
*April Fool's Issue Disclaimer - The content of this article was published as a "joke" and may contain invalid or false information.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
