For some students, depression is a daily, constant obstacle that must be overcome to get through the day.
For students like Meagan, who asked that her last name be withheld for privacy, the despair was so profound that she would take a razor to her skin and cut, just enough to temporarily make the pain she was feeling inside go away.
Meagan is one of a small percentage of men and women who self-injure, cutting themselves regularly.
In 2002, the British Medical Journal estimated that 13 percent of 15 and 16 year olds purposely injure themselves. In the US, one in every 200 girls between age 13 and 19 will cut herself.
"It started when I was 17, when a boyfriend broke up with me," Meagan said. "I got so sad and so depressed, and I didn't know what to do. I would cry for hours. At first my friends and family were supportive, but no one realized that it wasn't about my boyfriend. Eventually they started telling me to get over it."
Meagan was actually suffering from severe depression. When nothing could bring her out of her sadness and hopelessness, it was cutting that gave her some temporary relief from the pain she felt.
"It got so bad, I would do it all of the time. At first it was on my arms, but that was so noticeable and I started doing it so often that I did it on my legs, on my upper thighs," Meagan said. "No one ever saw it, my legs were a mess. It's a miracle I never got an infection. I still have some scars."
According to Sharon Mitchell, director of Counseling Services, cutting is very serious because of the risk of infection or excess bleeding.
"People who cut may also be in medical intervention because they run the risk of infection (or) are in need of stitches," Mitchell said.
Meagan eventually confided in her mother about her depression and received therapy. She stopped cutting two years later, after thorough treatment and a year of antidepressants.
"I told people about my depression, but no one knew about the cutting," Meagan said. "No one ever knew except for some friends. Today, my family still doesn't know what I was doing."
Cutting is only one of many types of self-injurious behaviors (SIB), according to Mitchell. Cutting is a coping mechanism, most commonly used to alleviate feelings of depression. It is a common misconception that people who cut themselves are suicidal, Mitchell said.
"People who engage in cutting are not necessarily suicidal," Mitchell said. "This may simply be their way of coping. There is a higher prevalence of SIB for people with certain problems such as eating disorders, substance abuse difficulties, and adults who were abused as children. In general, people who engage in self-injurious behavior often lack the ability to regulate their emotions in other ways."
The prevalence of cutting may allow a person to physically express their emotional pain, Mitchell said. Because the act is often hidden and kept secret for years, the problem goes unseen by many. As such, cutting is largely under-researched, with no real statistics about the prevalence or duration of self-injury, according to Mitchell.
"Researchers are just starting to collect data about prevalence. SIB typically begins during adolescence, then escalates during the early twenties and decreases in the thirties," Mitchell said. "With regard to gender, emergency departments of hospitals have found that men and women have similar rates of SIB."
Cutting wasn't a coping mechanism or little problems for Meagan- it was a way of dealing with her depression as a whole.
"It wasn't like I would fail a test or get in a fight or something and go cut myself," Meagan said. "It was when depression got so bad, and I felt so alone and lonely, I couldn't deal with it any other way.
According to Meagan, her behavior escalated to a dangerous level prior to seeking help.
"I scared myself. It was terrible, and so scary to know that the only thing I could do to feel better was to hurt myself. It was especially scary when I was doing it a lot," she said.
Meagan is one of the few self-injurers who stop their dangerous and hurtful behavior without being caught in the act.
"I started feeling better and got enough treatment that I could stop, but I know usually people who get caught or have something drastic happen to stop," Meagan said.
Even though she no longer cuts herself, Meagan still wages a daily battle to resist the urge to go back to her old coping mechanism.
"Sometimes I wish I would have gotten caught because I feel like I'm not really totally cured," Meagan said. "Whenever I'm feeling bad, I'm tempted to go back to doing that. It's been so long and that's still how I want to deal with it. I have to fight it."
Meagan warns that watching for cutting behavior in friends is very important, especially if you have a friend who could be depressed. Cutters isolate themselves from friends and often suffer from depression or other mental illness. It's especially important to watch for cutting in friends who express feelings of hopelessness or overwhelming, irresolvable sadness.
"You need to watch for this in friends, especially if your friends are depressed or they might be depressed," Meagan said. "The pain is real and you just want someone to see it."
Students who injure themselves or know someone else who does are encouraged to seek help through Wellness Services at 114 Student Union.
Additional Reporting by Evan Holt, Arts & Life Editor and Deanna Christie, Staff Writer.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
