Prepare for military-style pushups, renegade basketballs and extensive amounts of laps when Mr. Woodcock wears the whistle. The saying "tougher than nails" takes on a new meaning in the movie, which will surely leave audiences wanting their money back.
Mr. Woodcock (Billy Bob Thornton, The Astronaut Farmer) is an inhumane elementary school phys-ed teacher who is especially hard on one chubby, un-athletic boy named John Farley (Seann William Scott, Southland Tales).
Only a few years later, Farley writes a book on how to move past bad memories.
When it becomes a bestseller and his hometown decides to honor him, Farley arrives home only to be smacked in the face with the inconceivable truth that his mom is dating the man who is to blame for all of his past pain and suffering.
Mr. Woodcock is a ruthless old man who belittles the boys in his class by drilling into their heads that they're all losers.
There are too many points in the film where it's too silly and simply unbearable to look at the screen. If this kind of torture ever happened in any gym class, phys-ed would have an attendance of zero.
Determined to not let Woodcock get the best of him, or even worse, become part of his family, Farley tries to "one-up" everything that the teacher does to allow his mother to see Woodcock's true colors - only to realize it still isn't good enough.
Their competition ranges from physical to mental to emotional rivalry, then from who can run faster on the treadmill to who pays the check for dinner.
In what should have been a laugh-out-loud funny film, Mr. Woodcock is about as funny as being struck with a bat multiple times, something Farley endures via Woodcock during the film.
Director Craig Gillespie (Lars and the Real Girl) shorted the film by leaving awkward questions unanswered. Whether or not one of Woodcock's students died due to his asthmatic condition and an extensive amount of forced running is one such unanswered inquiry.
This is too extreme of a situation to ever be considered funny. The funniest thing about this film is that it actually made it to theaters.
Thornton's playing of these bad-mouthed bully roles, or some sort of coach or teacher with a bland yet overpowering personality, are long tired and the sooner he realizes this, the better.
His Bad Santa persona that once pleased so well has been beaten to death by Thornton's willingness to take these carbon-copy roles time and time again.
Scott, more commonly known as Stifler, does not live up to his reputation this time around. His acting in American Pie and its pair of adequate sequels were, collectively, his finest hour.
Mr. Woodcock does not compare to any of these comedies and is possibly the worst film Scott has done.
At times in the film, it's as if Scott needs forceful shaking to get him to express a hint of emotion. Though nice to look at, Farley is so boring that viewers might rather sit through freshman orientation all over again than to watch him go through the motions.
Amazingly, Susan Sarandon (In The Valley of Elah) beats out both Thornton and Scott for the award of worst acting performance in the film. She has been in dozens of successful films, such as Rocky Horror Picture Show and Thelma & Louise, and she should have done a jump to the left, and then a step to the right, far away from Mr. Woodcock when she was presented with the script.
This is the typical film where the few funny moments have already been played out in the trailers and television ad posters. In the theater, the laughter is gratuitous at best.
There are better ways to spend eight dollars and fifty cents, and far better ways to spend two hours than with the useless Mr. Woodcock.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
