I used to think that getting older was my worst nightmare. My body would get weak, I'd become overweight, I'd listen to country music and I may even begin to watch Law and Order - just bad things all the way around. That's why I was in such a shock at Rosh Hashanah dinner last week.
First of all, I wasn't bored. Usually these types of gatherings lead me to drown my boredom in a bottle of good ol' Manischewitz.
Second of all, I learned an important lesson: getting old doesn't have to suck. I mean, there's the senior citizen discount at movies and Burger King, you can walk around the mall and call it your exercise for the day, you can play golf any time you want - lots of good things all around.
I know I'm a long way from feeling like this, but it's still something I used to stress about. Not anymore, though.
On Rosh Hashanah, I learned that even when I get past the age of my athletic prime - whenever that prime comes - there are still ways to be competitive. Like shopping for food, for example.
The characters and setting in the following story has been changed to protect the guilty.
Sitting at dinner, an elderly gentleman and his friend (we'll call them Uncle Leo and Jack Klompus) began to regale the rest of us with their latest competitive adventure. To my surprise, it did not involve a space pen or a Cadillac. Rather, it involved a food market in a place we'll call Del Boca Vista.
This supermarket in Del Boca Vista has a self-serve buffet, where a group of eight gentlemen, including Jack and Uncle Leo, meet every Tuesday. The goal of the meeting is to screw The Man, but not literally - these gentlemen are from a generation that frowns upon that sort of thing.
The point is to eat as much as you can and spend between two and three dollars. If someone were to spend over three dollars, they would be immediately ejected from said organization.
Well, you can imagine how entertaining and enlightening this tale was. I was delighted to no end to hear how Uncle Leo, the pillar of conservativeness, got his jollies. It would be the equivalent of hearing that he was hanging around with a lawyer who wore a cape, or that he went into business selling "bros," a bra for men.
Anyway, Jack, Uncle Leo and the gang have this operation down to a science and claim that no one has ever walked away hungry.
According to this motley crew, the first priority is to case the joint, searching for all of the free samples. After you have stocked your tray with the samples, it is time for the main dish. There are two options here:
The first option is to buy a roll for 40 cents, then go to the butcher and buy exactly one-eighth of a pound of corned beef. This total should be approximately one dollar and 20 cents. With a drink, the total comes to just under two dollars and 30 cents.
These types of sketchy shenanigans could have you impeached if you happened to be president of the board for a bunch of condominiums. Luckily neither of these two are currently in office.
The second option for food also involves the 40-cent roll. However, instead of corned beef, you can hit the Chinese food station. The trick here is to stay away from the carbs. Not only would Dr. Atkins be happy, but also, Chinese food is sold by the pound. The best way to pay over three dollars for your lunch is to fill your tray with beef, rice and potatoes. This just wouldn't be prudent.
The idea here is to find the fish dish, pick the rice out and put this fish on the roll. Now you have a fish sandwich and all of the free samples you want for under three dollars.
Now, the one thing you don't do is steal. They know of people who steal drinks from the soda machine by asking for a water cup and then taking soda. That's frowned upon in these parts. There is also no taking from the marble rye.
Undoubtedly, you are reading this and thinking to yourself that this person has a weird obsession with Seinfeld, and what the hell does this have to do with sports? Didn't UB just play a game on Saturday? Where's the review of this game?
Well, firstly, my obsession with Seinfeld is not weird - it's perfectly normal. Secondly, Buffalo played a Baylor team that is on the verge of upsetting a lot of teams this year in the Big XII, and the Bulls may just be one year away from realizing their potential. There's your football analysis - now who's the obsessed one?
Even when you're 75 years old you can still have your team, you can still be competitive and still have fun. Even if it is in Del Boca Vista, and instead of playing in the Super Bowl you're competing in a supermarket. You're still competing, and that's what's great about sports.
As long as I am always the master of my domain, the king of my castle, I think I can handle the fact that one day I won't be an athlete anymore - as long as I, like Jack and Uncle Leo, never lose my competitive spirit or my sense of humor.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
