Science tells us that it's impossible to time-travel, but try telling that to the men's basketball team.
In the midst of one of the greatest final fours in the last decade, the NCAA board of governors ruled that the Ohio Bobcats' victory in the 2004 Mid-American Conference Championship game is null in void, ruling instead that Ohio's Leon Williams' tip-in basket was released after time expired.
Along with MAC Commissioner Rick Chryst, NCAA President Miles Brand has awarded Buffalo the 2004 title as well as an automatic bid in the 2008 NCAA Tournament.
"We feel incredibly sorry for Buffalo's players and fans," Brand said. "To have to live the last three years feeling as if they lost a game they should have won to a truly inferior opponent, it must have been heart wrenching. We can only hope that this will set things right and that the Bobcats will understand their true place in the NCAA."
Buffalo head coach Reggie Witherspoon was ecstatic at the news, perhaps even a bit confused.
"That game, well, you know, we knew if it was going to be a three-yards and a cloud of dust game. It wasn't going to be our game but we're just glad the NCAA finally smartened up and realized those Bobcats are a bunch of cheaters, just like Toledo and Bowling Green," Witherspoon said. "But we're just happy that things have finally been set right. I mean, we did whoop them by 19 points in Alumni Arena the last two years so maybe that tells you something."
However, due to the retroactive ruling, the Bulls will be forced to re-assemble their 2004 championship squad-something never before done in NCAA play. The task could prove treacherous as many of the players are currently in precarious situations.
"Well we're just gunna have to go get them," Witherspoon said. " I was talking to my caba?+/-a boy Dennis Black, and we've already hired a group of professional trackers to find Rod, and I've got a rowboat that should get me to Calvin. But you know if you want to get to Arizona, chances are you'll have to drive through Missouri."
After leaving Buffalo following graduation last June, Roderick Middleton has not been heard from for some time. It's believed the former guard/forward had been backpacking through Europe in an attempt to find a coach and general manager that knew who he was.
Then-senior forward Mario Jordan was reportedly last seen in the South American jungle, but has since been located in the Betty Ford Clinic, stemming from an ugly incident in his time in Columbia involving three donkeys, a pitchfork and four kilos of cocaine.
When reached for comment, Jordan had only one thing to say, "BALLLLLLLLINNNNN!"
Perhaps one of the easiest players to locate, former Buffalo Bull Wallace Hall, will be granted a two-week parole in order to compete in the tournament. Since being expelled from Buffalo, Hall was arrested in connection to a major South American drug ring. It has been reported that Hall used Jordan as a go-between to Columbian drug lords. Hall is currently in the midst of serving a 15-year sentence.
"I'm just happy to be getting out," Hall said. "Now I can get caught up with some of my old clients, err contacts... I mean teammates."
The rowboat Witherspoon referred to earlier will be needed to rescue Calvin Cage from Cyprus, where the diminutive shooter has been forced to play basketball under the illusion that he actually can make a career out of playing basketball on the tiny island off the coast of Turkey.
"I'm just happy that I can get back to playing in front of my Cage Crazies," Cage said. "Those guys really know how to keep me happy. We used to get together all the time before and after games and they would always relax me. After losses, they even helped me get out my frustrations."
The two most well known players from the 2004 championship team, Turner Battle and Mark Bortz, were incredibly easy to track down.
Bortz is currently selling Geico Insurance, after a career as Gerald Green's personal prop failed.
"It's just nice to be able to stay in touch with the students," Bortz said. "And The Bortz Boys come in and give me daily massages to keep me loose in case one day I get to play again."
Battle, on the other hand, is staying in touch with his basketball roots, assistant-coaching at local Sweet Home High School.
"He always comes to practice in his full uniform from when he played at UB," said Sweet Home Panthers' Derrek Meyers. "Then he gets all into it and tries to embarrass us and break our ankles with crossovers like it's the And1 Mixtape or something. I think he's f*cking crazy."
With the team slowly reassembling, it appears that the 2008 NCAA Tournament field will have to be prepared.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
