Guns don't kill people, Stone Cold Steve Austin kills people.
In an attempt to stomp a Texas sized footprint into the competition, WWE Films has unleashed their latest bone breaking effort, "The Condemned."
As if the non-stop promotion didn't beat the recycled plot to death, it's the "unique" story of 10 prisoners who have been sent to a remote island to fight to the death. The last prisoner standing will be given a second chance at freedom. Oh, and it's all broadcasted on the Internet.
Like an episode of WWE "Monday Night Raw," viewers of "The Condemned" aren't likely to get sucked in by its originality, seeing that the film tackily draws undeniable comparisons to other films.
Possible sources for "inspiration" include Stephen King's classic novel "The Running Man," which Arnold Schwarzenegger immortalized on the big screen, or the bloody Japanese cult classic "Battle Royale."
Blatant influences aside, "The Condemned" achieves just what it sets out to do ?N it takes viewers on a high-octane thrill ride that tumbles into a bloody finish. Stone Cold Steve Austin ("The Longest Yard"), who plays Jack Conrad, delivers a strong performance as a serious badass, or a temperamental drunk, depending on how you look at it. Then again, director Scott Wiper ("A Better Way to Die") arbitrarily decided to soften Conrad with a conscience - maybe it had something to do with marketability.
Austin takes a brief vacation from his "trust no one" attitude in order to portray a special ops officer who was on death row in a Central American prison. The power hungry mogul, Ian Breckel (Robert Mammone "The Great Raid"), notices the mysterious Conrad and adds him to his deadly roster.
After Conrad refuses to tell Breckel his story, he fictitiously makes Conrad out to be the most ridiculous criminal to date, pegging him somewhere between Senator David Duke and WWE superstar Kane. When all of his pawns are dropped into an undisclosed location, the games officially begin.
All is well when the first few deaths take place, but as evil alliances form, and the killings turn sadistic, the chintzy film boldly turns into a play on morality.
Is it okay to watch someone get brutally raped and murdered, even if they're criminals, or has Wiper gone too far? Breckel and his crew are forced to deal with this moral struggle, as other, more comical, problems arise.
The unexpected depth of the film is garnished with an intriguing and downright sincere back-story. Surprisingly enough, Stone Cold demonstrates an irrefutable sincerity while putting his life on the line for one last shot at making contact with his family. Austin's performance is so convincing that the myriad of beers that he's doused himself with and the countless victims that have been the recipient of his "stunner" are easily forgotten.
During one of the more entertaining moments of the film Stone Cold climbs up a wire and shimmies an ungodly distance to Breckel's broadcasting station. The bad guys know Austin's coming, but can't determine exactly where he is, and if his countless appearances on "Raw" and "Smackdown" have taught audiences anything, Stone Cold Steve Austin can't, and won't, be messed with.
Other than the power-hungry Breckel, Conrad's main opposition is Ewan McStarley, played by go to British tough-guy Vinnie Jones ("X-Men: The Last Stand"). When it seems like it can't get any worse, McStarley not only kills off most of the competition, but a variety of innocent workers just for shits and giggles.
The big showdown between McStarley and Conrad, which the movie sloppily builds up to, contains enough "whoop-ass" pleasure to appease even the most diehard of rasslin' fans.
"The Condemned" saves itself from mediocrity with its hardened yet heartfelt message dealing with obsessive Americana violence. Oscar winner it is not, but like "the stunner," it packs a ridiculous, yet undeniably entertaining punch.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
