iSpent

Well, I did it. I finally got an iPod. It's a nano, which is a scientific prefix that describes absolutely nothing about how big it is. Apple claims that with the iPod nano, one can have 500 songs in one's pocket.

Who decided that a pocket was a good place for songs? Most of the things I keep in my pocket get all linty. Sometimes they get sticky, too, or they scuff a lot from rubbing up against my wallet and keys. I don't want "Take Me Home" by Phil Collins to get scuffed.

It is offered in "innocent" white and "designer" black. I got the black one. I think black is a nice color for something that I keep in my pocket that no one will see. I figure that as long as my iPod will be in full view of my spare change and lip balm, it had better dress to impress.

The really great thing about iPods is the class action lawsuit that many in the U.S. filed, alleging that Apple put forth a product that scratches too easily. As is typical of the American mentality, the complaints were eloquent, well-reasoned, and civilized attempts to open up a productive discourse with the manufacturer over a point of disputed quality:

Dear Crapple

I kept my iPod nano in my pocket with my car keys and fish knife and rabid badger and now the thing is all scratched. What the hell?

You Guys Suck,

Mike, from Michigan

Eventually Apple grew weary of Mike from Michigan and many of his co-complainers. The company decided to issue tiny vinyl sleeves with each new iPod nano. This is really great, because it's like an extra pocket that I put my iPod nano into before I even put it in my pocket. It's a pre-pocket pocket: practice for the real pocket.

Once I got it I realized that I needed to learn how to use it. I did the thing that I always do, which is to look at the instructions. Unfortunately for me the instructions consisted of a single "Quick Start" poster.

The poster showed a nice-looking person opening his iPod box. Then in step two, he puts on the white ear buds and turns into a shadow of his former self. Steps three through 27 are all pretty much identical. Apple CEO Steve Jobs comes from the left side of the panel and punches the silhouette in most of his vital organs while loose money seems to fly from his person with every blow. In step 28 all the loose money that fell out turns into iPod accessories. Then Steve Jobs and the (happy? I can't tell, because he has no face, just matte black) man shake hands, and Steve offers the man the next version of the iPod. It's called the iPod booger. 7.3 x 1039 songs in your nose.

My iPod works marvelously well with iTunes, which is an application that Apple forced me to get when I downloaded QuickTime, which is an application that Apple forced me to get because I like movie trailers. Now, I'm not complaining about the fact that Apple seems to have me quite handily by the manly parts. I am saying, however, that it wouldn't kill them to loosen their grip once in awhile.

Though my iPod currently has 287 tracks on it, I mostly just use it to crank the song "Any Way You Want It" by Journey. This is because "Any Way You Want It" is the only song on my iPod for which lyrics have been provided. Some intrepid soul in the vast universe of music appreciation decided to transcribe the lyrics himself, and I'm pretty sure he got them about eighty to ninety percent correct:

"All night/ALl night/Oo everynight/So hold tight/Hold tight/Ooo baby hold tight."

I think that it's very important for a personal audio player to have the capability of storing lyrics. That way, if Journey's lead singer ever dies on tour, and I'm in the area, and they're willing to reimburse me for transport, and I have my iPod, I can say, "don't worry, I'm on my way."

Brian Danielak is a senior chemistry major.