In a unilateral move by university officials, the South Campus was dealt a painful double blow on Tuesday, and both sides are still fuming over the debacle.
As of 9:62 a.m., the Main Street campus' stapler had been stolen for the eighth consecutive Tuesday. The campus, which has endured many previous stapler robbery attempts in the past, was also told to move to the basement of its sister campus, the North Campus.
The double attack on Tuesday has left the Main Street campus puzzled and dismayed at the treatment it said it's received from the larger, more popular North Campus over the years.
"I...I was told that...that I could...keep my red stapler," said the South Campus, which was seen visibly shaken at the scene of the crime. "They've taken...taken my red stapler 12 times before...before..." the campus continued.
South Campus said it had not been given adequate reasons for its relocation or the repeated stapler thefts. North Campus officials say the move was meant not to discipline the historic campus, rather demonstrate the importance of sharing common office supplies.
"Yeeeaahh....we felt the need to consolidate our two campuses into one more cost-effective campus," North Campus said. "By taking the older campus' stapler, we were able to make room financially for bigger and better staplers," to which the South Campus later replied, "I...I...was told I could keep my stapler an-an-and listen to my radio at...at...a reasonable...volume."
The North Campus said it had consulted an efficiency expert and had been advised to make cuts where available. It also admitted it hadn't taken the appropriate action in the past to relocate the campus, and that it had meant to make the change years ago.
"Um, yeeeaahh, we've always wanted to move South, and we thought that by stealing its stapler every Tuesday, it would make a statement. Truth be told, we're sad to see the old campus move from Main Street. It's always been a valuable part of the community."
South Campus had little to say in response to what it sees as North's arrogance.
"We aren't so shocked as we are disappointed," the South Campus said in an exclusive phone interview. (Due to the campus' relocation to the bowels of the North Campus, The Spectrum was unable to locate the exact office out of which South Campus now works.)
The change in venue for the campus will apparently not affect many more than those who work there. When asked what they anticipate the affect being on the university, most students showed little compassion.
"There's no reason why they should move the campus," said freshman adult contemporary music major Michael Bolton. "South has always been treated unfairly and it's time that the evil empire of the North Campus stop bullying its older, weaker counterpart."
"North Campus is being so ridiculous. Just because it's larger and has more money doesn't mean its better. South Campus doesn't deserve the trashy buildings on the old campus," said Michael Judge, a sophomore animation major. "Michael Hall and Diefendorf are the only buildings it has going for its future."
Judge admits that if both sides worked out their differences through peer mediation and would consider meeting jointly with their hired efficiency expert, progress might be made.
"I think (North Campus) just had a bad day and overreacted," Judge said. "It sounds like someone has a case of the Mooondays."
"There's a South Campus?" said junior chess major Bradley Milton.
"I...I...I'd just like my stapler back," said South Campus. "An-and I would l-like...to play my radio at...at a...a reasonable volume."
South Campus paused for a second, and continued with a tear.
"Is there any cake left?"
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
