Robert Fearghas slid a condom onto his sister's curling iron, took a deep breath, and inserted it into the hole in his anus. After eight years of hiding his sexual identity, Fearghas admitted he was gay. Finally, he began to prepare for his first sexual encounter with a man.
Coming out wasn't easy. For years, Fearghas had resigned himself to spending his entire life in the closet.
"I knew I was gay, but I thought in my head maybe I can live a lifestyle where I could be straight," Fearghas said. "I could get married [and] I could have sex with a woman. I never believed I could biologically switch who I was attracted to, but I thought maybe I could live...the normal line of life."
But no longer.
He has been inspired by the publicity and outrage generated by the Jamie Rodemeyer and Tyler Clementi suicides and relieved to see his own struggles mirrored in popular media outlets, like Lady Gaga lyrics and stories across the country. Fearghas has become bolder about his sexuality.
In the past year, he - like hundreds of students across the country - had come out to his friends and his family.
Rodemeyer, 14, of Williamsville, N.Y., killed himself after classmates taunted him online about his sexuality. Clementi, a Rutgers freshman, jumped off the George Washington Bridge after his roommate spied on a sexual encounter he had with another man and invited others to watch.
Data on how many young people have come out in recent years is hard to come by, said Elaine Maccio, an assistant professor in LSU's school of social work, who studies lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender issues (LGBTQ). Students don't "register" when they come out or contact any on-campus organizations so researchers are having trouble quantifying the numbers.
"If you define 'community' as a visible group of LGBTQ people, then yes, the community has grown," Maccio said. "The number of LGBTQ people living openly is increasing, meaning there are more people getting involved in the LGBTQ community."
This year, for the first time, an LGBTQ group marched in the St. Patrick's Day Parade in NYC. The group, OUTspoken for Equality, is based in Buffalo, and continues to fight for and promote equality by hosting events like their Royal Wedding Watch Party. During the event, they watched the wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton, while signing letters that were sent to state senators explaining the importance of equality for gay and lesbian couples fighting for marriage rights.
At UB, 20 new members have joined the LGBTQ in the past two years, which is a lot compared to previous years, said Judy Mai, a junior health and human services major who is the group's president.
Hiding Behind Closed Doors
Fearghas grew up in a white Catholic neighborhood full of girls. He played with his younger sister and two neighborhood girls every day. He rarely saw his father, a computer engineer, who worked what seemed like all the time to Fearghas growing up. He was always effeminate and sometimes blamed it on the lack of men in his life.
When Fearghas was in eighth grade, his father caught him looking at male porn online. He sat his son down and told him: "you know, we'd really rather you not turn out gay, we want you to be straight."
Fearghas was crushed.
He felt as if his family would never accept him if they knew about his attraction to men. He assured them that he was just going through a phase and that he was straight.
"Growing up was really rough, because I am very feminine," Fearghas said. "Middle school was the roughest. I'd wake up and I'd just hope not to be made fun of, or I'd hope to be made fun of once instead of 10 times."
A classmate once walked up to him in the lunch room, slammed a tray of food into his lap, and shouted: "Do you know what a faggot is? That's what you are."
On Halloween of the same year, Fearghas dyed his hair green and was taunted in the hallways by groups of people screaming: "Green is the color of gay."
One boy even approached him and said: "Just hit me first so I can hit you back because you're gay."
Research has shown that being bullied puts youths at risk for low self-esteem, depression, self-harm and suicide, substance use disorders, poor academic performance, and many other challenges, Maccio said.
Fearghas responded to the harassment by becoming introverted, but he was filled with self-doubt.
"I kind of just went into this shell," Fearghas said. "I was really quiet, I didn't talk much, I was never myself. I questioned a lot of things...it definitely affected me negatively as far as not being who I am."
Fearghas relied on a small group of friends and his family to help him through middle and high school. But he never dared talk to them about his deepest concern - his growing awareness of his homosexuality.
The Coming Out
By college, Fearghas felt caged.
He wanted to talk about who he really was yet he couldn't bring himself to do it.
"It was getting to a point where people knew [I was gay, without me telling them] and it felt weird," Fearghas said. "I'd be in a room with my best friends, I'd put on this completely different act about how I sleep with women or whatever it may be, and I'd leave the room and they'd obviously talk about me being gay...that's when I realized it's time that I really have to be true to myself."
He decided to try it out on his best friend, Sofia Sessler, in March of last year.
She cried.
"It affected me in only positive ways," Sessler said. "It was such a relief to finally be able to get to know him on that level. We had been best friends for two years prior, but there was always an element of him that I knew he was hiding. Once he was out I got to know the whole him, and all of the feelings he had been suppressing since he was a kid. I felt so happy for him that he could finally be himself."
Two weeks before Thanksgiving, he decided to tell his parents. But he couldn't do it in person, so he mailed them a letter.
His father called him the day he got it. He said Fearghas was courageous. He called him mature and said he was proud to be his father.
Fearghas was relieved and proud - and shocked that he had waited so long to come out.
Fearghas knows he was lucky.
Many students do not have such supportive families or friends.
Jim Bowman, a special populations outreach coordinator for the Student Wellness Center, meets many of them. He sees approximately 200-300 students each year working on trainings, workshops, and classroom visits. He also meets with 30-40 students that seek individualized and smaller group support in his office at 114 SU.
According to him, over the past five years, the numbers of people that visit him has steadily increased.
Bowman also has his own story to tell.
He came out to himself and to others 13 years ago, and while many in his family support him, his father no longer allows him or his partner in his home.
"It hurts because they're your support system," Bowman said. "You're no different than you were two seconds before you tell them that you are gay. It's like: 'well, where's my support structure?' You say you love me but then I tell you something very true, and I'm letting you know who I am, the authentic me, and then that is no longer acceptable for you."
Bowman works to ensure that students who turn to him have physical health and wellness, as well as mental health and wellness. He also stresses the importance of emotional wellness and identity support around identity development. He helps to create a safe and inclusive campus environment for students to work and live at UB. Bowman educates and brings support from heterosexual allies for the LGBTQ community as well.
"Not only am I a member of LGBTQ community, but it's a great opportunity for me to give back and help create and continue to foster a great environment here at UB for LGBTQ students," Bowman said. "I particularly enjoy working toward social justice, and around diversity and supporting students and that really inspired me to do the work that I do."
Fearghas said he matured a lot in college. Meeting new people and watching openly gay people interact and thrive on campus helped him with his decision.
Maccio's research shows there is strength in numbers.
"As more and more people come out, more heterosexual people discover that those they care about are LGBTQ, and the more this happens, acceptance increases and the more LGBTQ people come out," Maccio said. "It's a cycle that way. Coming out is itself an empowering process, and when people feel empowered, they feel more confident in asserting themselves and, in this case, fighting oppression and advocating for their rights."
Now that he's out, Fearghas is making up for lost time.
He's no longer afraid to kiss men in public (although the first time it happened in a straight bar he got the jitters). And this fall, he had his first sexual encounter.
He had been practicing with his sister's curling iron and other objects, like markers, for several months.
"I was just thinking I need to let this to happen, and ever since I've loved it...I was definitely scared but I knew it was time. I was scared it was going to be painful. I also didn't want to get hurt or regret it."
Sometimes Fearghas feels as if he's living the life of a 14-year-old girl on fast forward.
"When a [young] girl starts to have feelings for a guy, they start talking for a couple of months, they start dating, and after a year and half of dating they get their first hand job," Fearghas said. "This is different - I come out, it's very new to me, and I don't have that year and a half to really prepare. I'm jumping right into sex where I'm a one-night stand on a date."
He is still learning the rules of playing hard to get, figuring out how to make gay friends without having to hook up with them first, and has yet to be in a serious relationship with a man. Being in a large, diverse city like Buffalo has helped.
"Going to a university that has a lot more kids and people to talk to and hang out with definitely makes it easier," Fearghas said. "The gay community in Buffalo is also pretty big. I actually love it. I hear stories of friends that go to Oneonta and don't know one gay person. It's probably because they don't want to show themselves, because it's such a small community."
Sessler said that Fearghas seems more real now that he is out of the closet. Before he was quiet; now he's loud and funny. He is comfortable bringing boys back to the apartment that he and Sessler share, and she said that if Fearghas' relationship lasts a while she forms a friendship with his partner. Sessler enjoys sitting around and talking about boys with Fearghas.
He's finally found a piece of him that he lost in the eighth grade.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
