Troll race enslaved

Don't be surprised if your dust-covered box of toys is missing an old childhood friend. No, that troll doll hasn't been chewed by your dog and digested onto your front lawn. Nor has it been mistakenly sold at your last garage sale.

It's been enslaved.

And it may be appalling to know what repulsive things your fluorescent-haired friend is being forced to do.

Troll dolls, once a cultural icon that befriended little girls and provided good luck on Bingo night for widowed old ladies, have been forced into bondage by one of the most popular dolls on the market - the Bobblehead.

"At first, the Bobbleheads said they'd make us popular again," said Hamish, a troll with a nasally Scotch-Irish accent in an interview with The Spectrum. "But they really only wanted us for our bodies."

Known for their Don King-like hair and their temptingly round buttocks, Troll dolls have been enslaved for just that.

This "Toy Story" has gone straight from "G" to "X," skipping 16 letters on the way.

Like aspiring Hollywood actresses who turn to porn to make a living, troll dolls everywhere have sacrificed their immaculate reputations in hopes of reviving their heyday of the early 1990s.

"I was just so lonely in that box. I wanted to get out, I wanted to be popular again," Hamish said. "And I'd rather burn under a magnifying glass than be stuck with that f***ing Power Ranger for another day."

A life of sexual domination seemed like the only route for some forlorn trolls. The possibility of making it back to a world of sitting atop car dashboards and desktop computers was an opportunity that had to be seized.

But the trolls traded one form of bondage for another. Under the direction of the Bobbleheads, the trolls' freedom could only be achieved if the trolls, themselves, bobbed their own heads in a lewd and debauched manner.

Regardless of the consequences, the trolls' thirst for popularity was an overwhelming determinant in their decision to labor for the Bobbleheads. Trolls will do whatever is necessary to escape from their banal existence.

Some trolls na??vely accepted invitations from Bobbleheads without questioning their motives.

"They said I was so cute and had so much potential. I thought they were really there to help us," said Molly, a troll with disheveled bright-yellow hair and stripped of her lower garments. "But every time I turned around, I caught them staring at my a**. I soon became suspicious."

The troll dolls were exploited not for their friendly appearance, cooperative nature, or mining skills, but for their plump contours, and their "convenient" waist-high stature.

"They treated us like objects! At first they had us doing menial tasks like polishing their shoes, and oiling their bobble spring. But then we became their concubines, satisfying their disgusting desires," Molly said.

In an exclusive interview with Bobblehead slave overseer Keith Richards, The Spectrum was able to get the other side of the story.

"I'm not going to lie to you. We use them for pretty much anything we want," Richards said with whip in hand. "They're just so friendly. And that rump ..." Richards said, his drawled English accent trailing off into fantasy.