Last year when I published the column "I'd Rather Walk than Be on the Road with You, A Comprehensive Guide to Buffalo Drivers," I assumed it would get a few chuckles from the UB community, but the response has been overwhelming. A year after its print date, I still receive more comments about that piece than any other article - opinion, news or feature - that I have written to date.
People at parties, in classes and at the mall come up to me and try to defend the driving techniques of Buffalonians. At first I thought maybe I could have been wrong. Maybe Buffalo does not have the absolute worst drivers on the planet. But a quick trip to the grocery store, in which I was cut off twice - both times by people animatedly talking on their cell phones - I realized I was dead on the money with my first column.
I thought for a long time there was a chance I could get used to the driving, the same way I got used to pouring boiling water on my car in the winter to melt off the inch-thick sheet of ice.
But you know what, people? You can't change the innate characteristics of a thing. You can't deny the very properties that define something. You can't make Tom Arnold into Tom Cruise just by willing it to be so.
So, I offer the non-Buffalonians a few more examples of the key characteristics of the Western New York driver.
The Buffalo Stop
This maneuver is a tough one to imagine, but I am confident the bright young minds at UB can do it. Close your eyes and think of someone gently coasting through a stop sign at about 10 miles per hour. Then imagine the driver talking on a cell phone. This is the Buffalo Stop.
It's not like you don't see the stop sign.
Those interested in the Buffalo Stop should see also The Buffalo 4-way Stop, which includes four cars parked at an intersection hedging forward, stopping, hedging forward and stopping again - while talking on a cell phone. Graceful like a swan.
The Buffalo Turning Lane
Now, the great thing about Buffalo is that almost every busy intersection has a turning lane. The horrible thing about Buffalo drivers is that only half of them know these lanes exist, and those 50 percent only place 50 percent of their cars in these specially designated lanes. Added points go to the turning lane-user on the cell phone.
What I love is the line of cars that backs up behind the turning lane user, and the first car in the lane who eeks the nose of their car into the right lane, forcing all traffic to come to a complete stop until Mr. Turning Lane finally gets out of the way.
To the Buffalonians who seem to think I'm tearing apart their souls with these columns, I'm truly sorry. Sometimes the truth hurts. I say be brave. Own up to the fact that you are truly the world's worst drivers. And for crying out loud, find your turn signal and get off your cell phone.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
