"But if we change the Constitution ... "
"Then we can make all sorts of crazy laws!"
- "The Amendment Song," "The Simpsons"
America (Motto: "Don't Tread On Us. We'll Sue.") is a remarkable place. What other nation can consider the airplane, landing on the moon, and cheese in a can as major accomplishments?
A key ingredient to the republic's longevity and success is the Constitution. Drafted in 1787, the withered parchment under glass in Washington, D.C. is the oldest continuously functioning governing document in the world. Canada's "League of Estranged Friendship and Meek Subjugation to Our Mighty Southern Neighbor" pact runs a close second.
A mistake many make regarding the Constitution, however, is infusing the president with greater authority than the document grants the office.
True, he (Article II specifically states "he." Sorry, Hillary.) can veto any piece of legislation, and as we currently see, wields tremendous powers during wartime. And presidents like Bill Pullman and Harrison Ford get to kick alien and/or terrorist ass.
The real power, as designed by the founders, however, lies with Congress. Think about it. Assume Congress, in a fit of alcohol-induced madness, passes a law proclaiming the third Friday of every month "Pantless President Day." If both chambers have the necessary two-thirds vote to override the guaranteed veto, we'll see if President Bush has little hearts or oil derricks on his boxers.
Congress is a bicameral body. "Bi" meaning "balding" and "cameral" meaning "overweight." The House of Representatives, the lower chamber divided into 435 districts spread across the nation, is based on a state's coolness factor as determined by a panel of experts from Entertainment Weekly, GQ and Cosmopolitan. The more "in" a state is, the more seats it receives. With 52 members, California's House delegation gets the largest table in the lunchroom. Meanwhile, Vermont's lone representative, Independent Bernie Sanders, eats alone.
The House is the world's most ornate daycare center, where the children are constantly cranky and suffering from diaper rash. Now give the tykes a trillion dollar budget to work with. It's a miracle we're not awash in frivolous items of luxury serving no greater purpose than to satisfy their selfish whims. Wait, we are. It's called "pork."
Congress' upper house, the Senate, located inside Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion, contains 100 members, two for each state regardless of size. So puny, redundant Rhode Island carries equal weight as scorpion-infested Texas, which is approximately half the size of Pluto.
The Senate is the more intimate of the chambers. It has been likened to a small high school where everyone knows everything about everybody. Like that Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, thinks Maria Cantwell, D-Wash., is cute, but she really likes Paul Wellstone, D-Minn., who just broke up with Olympia Snowe, R-Maine. And everybody hates Principal Cheney. He's such a doody-head.
The process of making law is simple, at least on the face of it. However, like the winner of the Mr./Miss Transsexual USA Pageant, surface appearances in Washington can be deceiving. The actual process of steering a bill through Congress compares to Theseus wandering through the maze, wondering if he's going to meet the love child of Andre the Giant and a really angry bull. For example, during the 105th Congress (1997-1999), over 7,000 bills and resolutions were introduced in Congress. Only 394 became law. Minotaur smash.
Once introduced, the bill is sent to the appropriate committee. The number of committees is endless. Major committees include Ways and Means in the House, Appropriations in the Senate, Armed Services, Judiciary, Commerce, etc. Some of the more minor committees include Fish and Game, Bait and Switch, Interstellar Relations, the Committee Committee and Lascivious Conduct. Sen. Edward Kennedy and Rep. Gary Condit chair this committee in their respective chambers.
Since typing the word "committee" so many times is burning a hole in my brain, let's move on. Assuming chamber leadership finds the bill acceptable, it's goes to the proper committee (Gah!) for consideration, a process called "markup."
Markup is the bill's physical. The members take stethoscopes, tongue depressors, and that ear thing to the bill, looking for faults and problems. Pap smears, mammograms and digital rectal tests are applied when necessary.
If everything is where it should be, the committee votes the bill out and it's sent to the floor. If the leadership disapproves of the bill, they'll take steps to banish it to the netherworld of bad ideas (This is where Crystal Pepsi and Stallone's "Over the Top" currently reside).
If the leadership approves, it's scheduled for a vote. Members have many different methods to decide on how to vote. They take into consideration what their constituents want, if it will benefit their re-election chances, the constitutionality of the legislation. Some consult their families. Some consult their call girls. Some throw darts or flip coins. Sen. Hillary Clinton "reads the bones of Jabootu" according to the New York Times.
If it passes one chamber, it's sent to the other chamber for approval. If it passes there, and the differences are ironed out, it's sent to the White House. Then, President Bush is woken up and decides to sign the bill. If signed, the bill becomes law. If not, the sponsors are shot by the Secret Service.
I haven't decided yet.
