The Sept. 11 terrorists were certainly misguided. Instead of hitting the World Trade Center, they should have crashed into the Mall of America.
If they really wanted to hit us where it hurts, they would have avoided the WTC altogether and flown straight to Minnesota, or if that were too far, Fifth Avenue. Or maybe the Pentagon City Mall - it's surprising the Washington-bound desperados didn't hit it anyway. And while they were at it, if the terrorists really wanted to strike fear into the hearts of millions of corrupt consumers, they would have taken down Rodeo Drive, all of Greenwich, Conn., or even the Walden Galleria.
Those are our underbellies, the points of contact between retail and the consumer, the breeding grounds of excess and desire, and, between Abercrombie & Fitch and Victoria's Secret, the more widely accepted exhibits of sexual invitation our culture extends - except, of course, Britney Spears.
Remember the e-mail forward that circulated in late September, warning everyone to stay out of malls because they were just waiting to become the next sites of terrorist attacks? I'm willing to bet that forward did more damage to our collective sense of security than the attacks themselves - and not just because its tone was reminiscent of those fantastically vague security alerts issued by Dubya & Co.
After all, our society would crumble if we couldn't shop. The mall is the epicenter of American culture, the homeland, the one true place where young and old alike can gather and feel better about themselves . because, as we all know, a person's worth is determined by his possessions, and with a few hours and a platinum card, anyone can easily enhance his image, the only part of a person that really matters anyway. Well, that and what he might buy for you.
And let's be perfectly candid: life really doesn't exist outside the mall. It's a perfect environment: every article of clothing is neatly pressed, the food is always hot and fast, and you always have the option of surrounding yourself with others without actually having to interact with them. Even if you were to talk to someone, say a sales clerk, it would be the perfect exchange: a little light chatter, nothing deep or uncomfortable, a mild exchange of cash for goods, and as many compliments as you can stomach so long as you manage to find a store whose clerks work on commission.
If that's not enough to sell you on the idea of retail as Utopia, remember this: the temperature is always 72 degrees; daylight, artificial as it may be, shines at full force 12 hours per day, and opportunities for self-improvement abound. The Museum Store sells replicas of art and artifacts, perfect for expanding cultural horizons, the Discovery Channel Store is chock full of intellectually stimulating, shrink-wrapped items, and Dean & DeLuca sells perfect produce all winter long to those willing to pay $9 per pound for apples.
Ask a few senior citizens and you'll almost certainly be assured that mall walking is a great boon to one's health and fitness, while Barnes & Noble sells enough self-help books to render one's psychiatrist unnecessary. There is nothing one cannot do at the mall, no need that cannot be fulfilled, no need to ever leave.
So why not move right in? Good question, and one people across the country are answering by moving into "lifestyle villages," known in lay terms as "very expensive shopping centers with even more expensive apartments above them." If you don't believe me, see the Feb. 21 Style section of the New York Times. And while you're perusing the Times, see the March 2 religion journal. Even if shopping is more than a lifestyle, but slightly less than a religion, the mall holds all the answers. If the author has done his homework correctly, God is a tenant in approximately 100 American malls, and has homes in at least two of them. (Grand Forks, N.D.'s Grand Cities Mall boasts the Hope Evangelical Covenant Church, and in Paramus, N.J.'s Bergen Mall one can find the Carmelite Chapel of St. Therese).
In light of this evidence, I nominate Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge to the position of general manager of the Mall of America.
