News

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Better Than 'Better Than Stick Figures' 3.31.04

"UB Student Drops Out, Joins World Wrestling Federation"

Jon Amitrano, one of UB's most visible "Mighty Maniacs," is moving out of Alumni Arena and into the squared circle of the World Wrestling Federation.Amitrano dropped out of school on Monday afternoon after Vince McMahon, the owner of the World Wrestling Federation, flew in to Buffalo and arrived at the Red Jacket Quadrangle with a six-figure contract in hand."How could I not sign on the dotted line?" said Amitrano.

World News

Bush, Kerry Schedule Dance-Off to Decide Presidency Presidential incumbent George W. Bush and Democratic candidate John Kerry announced yesterday that despite 228 years of precedent for elections to decide the U.S.

Scandal Sweeps UB Athletic Department

The UB community was rocked Tuesday as head football coach Jim Hofher resigned amid allegations of wrong doings and extreme NCAA rules violations in the program.

Aye On Campus

Korman Runs for High School Student Council

Following two successful semesters of serving as an advisor to the undergraduate Student Association, despite having graduated in May 2002, Josh Korman has announced plans to run for president of the student council at Sweet Home High School.Korman said he enjoyed giving leadership to groups he was no longer involved with and added he had many great ideas for the council."I think there is definite room for improvement in the way bake sales are run at Sweet Home High, and with my vision of a special pink-frosted cupcake section, the possibilities are endless," Korman said, adding he would rename the quarterly bake sales the "Sweet Home Sweets" series.Korman added he would like to see more chairs in the cafeteria and a less-strict hall pass policy from the school administration.He also said his first order of duty would be to sue the student newspaper, The Sweet Home Tribune, for libel."Those slanderous punks are consistently undermining the authority of the student government," Korman said, adding he would create a student council-sponsored magazine, Sweet Home Visions.An anonymous official on the SA executive board said he encouraged Korman to run because he thought he would do a good job, but added he also had an ulterior motive for encouraging Korman's campaign."That kid never leaves the office and he's always giving me advice.

Sidelines

Reggie WitherspoonIn a not-so-shocking announcement by ESPN, UB Bulls basketball head coach Reggie Witherspoon was named the "Sexiest Man in Sports" for the year of 2004, edging out the likes of Derek Jeter, Chris Webber and Tom Brady.Witherspoon's patented moves, "the jacket rip-off" and "the media table kick" were deemed "too hot to handle" by ESPN's judges.

Construction Finally Begins on Lee Road

UB President John Simpson announced Tuesday that after four years of stalled action, construction will begin today on Lee Road and the entire $600 million project will be done by Sunday.The ambitious project, which aims to create a greater college atmosphere on North Campus, calls for the development of Lee Road from the Ellicott Complex to the Student Union.The project's new buildings will not only provide UB with 3,000 additional beds for student housing, but when construction is done on Sunday, UB will also have a new bookstore, visitor's center, faculty club, hotel, TGI Friday's restaurant, mini-supermarket, childcare center, conference center, amphitheatre and quadrangle, florist, music store, clothing store, bike shop, bank, health services facility, "water feature" for winter ice skating, dry cleaners, gift shop and extra parking."I don't see why it can't be done by Sunday," said Simpson, who was the first to put a shovel in the site at Tuesday's groundbreaking ceremony.

Hoobastank Pulls Out of Spring Fest

For the second time in as many festivals, a performer for one of UB's Fests has cancelled the performance, leaving SA Entertainment with the challenge of replacing an act on short notice.Hoobastank, the band originally scheduled to headline Spring Fest as part of MTV's Campus Invasion Tour, had to cancel the festival due to a payment dispute with SA Entertainment.Bands Ima Robot and LostProphets, which were also scheduled to perform, will not be playing the annual show."It is an unfortunate incident, but SA Entertainment is working hard to reschedule three bands of similar caliber and quality for the enjoyment of the UB students," said SA Entertainment Assistant Director John Haumesser.Though Haumesser would not confirm them as performers, Toad the Wet Sprocket, Hanson and Savage Garden are listed on www.pollstar.com to perform at UB on April 23, the scheduled day of Spring Fest.The concert will be held in either Alumni Arena or Baird Point, dependent on weather conditions, he added."It was an exhaustive search, but we are pleased that we have been able to reschedule such quality bands on such short notice," he added.

PJ Bottoms Installs Play Place

In an unprecedented alliance, P.J. Bottoms on Main Street across from South Campus has teamed up with the Ronald McDonald House to provide UB's underage students a safer place to play.Tuesday, the bar unveiled PJ's Play Place, a labyrinth of plastic tubes and giant mesh nets so elaborate it could rival Discovery Zone.When youthful banter and hoo-ha at the bar began to grow out of control this past decade, PJ Bottom's owner, the Honorable Constable Big Mac, knew he had to take action."We had too many patrons trying to climb trees and ride in shopping carts outside our door.

Battle Forgoes Senior Year to Make Jump to the NBA

What do Michael Jordan, Shaquille O'Neal and Charles Barkley all have in common?Each of these three future National Basketball Association hall of famers gave up their senior year of college basketball to make the jump to the NBA.

"For Buffalo, Success is Spelled: V-I-C-K"

Kemp, Ferguson, Kelly, Bledsoe...Vick?The Bills' days of immobile pocket passer's came to an end late Tuesday with the epic signing of the leagues hottest young player.

Jim Hofher's Day Off

It has come to the UB Department of Athletics' attention that Jim Hofher, coach of the Bulls football squad, has a blemish on his permanent record that could prevent him from ever coaching again, while also leaving question marks on next year's season.Failing to correct this manner would have the Bulls coach walking on thin ice.According to Todd Grimes, Xavier Middle School physical education teacher, Hofher failed 7th grade gym class due to an outstanding number of un-prepared's.

"It's Cool, Because it's Ironic"

As last summer's fashions begin to smack of old age on college campuses, students are looking for the new hot trend.

"South Campus' Stapler Stolen, Entire Campus Relegated to Basement"

In a unilateral move by university officials, the South Campus was dealt a painful double blow on Tuesday, and both sides are still fuming over the debacle.As of 9:62 a.m., the Main Street campus' stapler had been stolen for the eighth consecutive Tuesday.

Community Assistants Suspended for Indecent Behavior

Following the firing of three community assistants in Flint Village for attending a Halloween party last semester, three more CAs have been fired in Hadley this week for using curse words and engaging in open-mouth kissing.Marc Farmington, Rachel Trops and Will Harvey were let go by Director of University Residence Halls and Apartments John Endicott on Monday."This kind of behavior is not what we expect from our CAs," Endicott said.

UB Institute for Lasers Develops First Fetus-on-a-Phone

Billy goats, hold on to your socks.UB scientists from the Institute for Lasers have bypassed the cloning fad and left Dolly in the dark, using their lasers to create the first-ever fetus with a phone attached to its ear."Well, you see, we used our lasers," said Laser Professor William Hung, head scientist of Fetus-on-a-Phone."It was actually a mistake," Hung said.

SA Sponsors 'Design this Buffalo' Contest

Last semester, the Student Association held a contest where students competed to design a fiberglass "bull" in an effort to raise school spirit.

Shaking in Their Boots; UConn Basketball Dreads UB

After glancing at the schedule for the Huskies' 2004-05 men's basketball season, UConn head coach Jim Calhoun had to rub his eyes and look again.He took a second look, but what he saw on tap for November 20, 2004 did not disappear as he had hoped."There it was, the Buffalo Bulls visiting the UConn Huskies," said Calhoun.

Better Than Stick Figures 3.29.04