At the end of the UB Bulls' men's basketball 2002-03 season, which culminated in an unsuccessful 5-23 record, head coach Reggie Witherspoon went to look for help from a friend in the south.
The deep south.
According to heavily circulated rumors, Witherspoon seems to have made a binding agreement with the Prince of Darkness, also known as Satan, to grant the Bulls a winning season in exchange for Witherspoon's immortal soul and a player to be named later.
Despite the inherent evil nature of the transaction, it seems to have been a success for all parties involved.
"When Reg came to me last March, I was more than happy to work something out with him," said The Hellion. "After all, I have experience with sports contracts. How else do you think Scottie Pippen ended up on the NBA's '50 Greatest Players of All Time' list?"
Witherspoon said he is happy with the way the deal turned out, although there were times during to 2003-04 season when he second guessed whether or not The Dark Lord would uphold his part of the deal.
"We lost our first three games, then won our next five, then lost six," said Witherspoon with a sigh. "But once we got on that eight-game winning streak at the end of the season, I knew that Lucifer would make good on his word."
Bulls center Mark Bortz said he was shocked to find out about Witherspoon's illicit recipe for success.
"I thought illegal recruiting was bad, but this is ridiculous," said Bortz. "I knew we had a big turnaround this season, but I thought it was because of improved team chemistry, not because our head coach made a deal with Beelzebub."
According to The King of Liars, Witherspoon's title of MAC Coach of the Year for the 2003-04 season was not part of the original deal.
"I just promised to deliver a winning team for Reggie," said Mephistopheles, while sipping a cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee, his pinky finger pointed away from his hand. "I don't care that he gets the credit. I'm used to staying behind the scenes. I mean, look at last year's Florida Marlins. You really think Jack McKeon molded that team into World Series champions? Please."
Some players on opposing teams in the MAC conference said they thought something strange was happening as they watched UB climb up the standings.
Kent State guard DeAndre Haynes said he was flabbergasted after his team's loss to UB at the end of the regular season.
"We ended up with a 22-9 record last season," said Haynes. "Believe me, for Buffalo to beat us by 16 points, there had to be a supernatural power involved."
UB President John Simpson said he has heard nothing about Witherspoon's alleged agreement with The Arch Fiend.
"To be honest, I usually do not pay close attention to the day-to-day operations of our men's basketball program," said Simpson. "I went to a few games this season and all I saw was Division I-A quality basketball. However Coach Witherspoon managed to bring this team together, that's his business."
But the one question all Mighty Maniacs want answered is whether or not the contract will extend to next season.
"The details of our agreement are strictly confidential," said El Diablo. "But, let's just say the team should get ready for a trip to St. Louis in 2005 (the site of next year's Final Four tournament)."
Despite overwhelming public opinion to the contrary, Witherspoon said he does not believe his contract with Satan violates any legal, or moral, laws.
"As coach of UB men's basketball, I have always pledged to give it my all," said Witherspoon. "And 'my all' definitely includes my soul. How many other NCAA coaches are willing to go as far as I did? I think the team, the school and the fans should be proud. Next year, God willing, we'll turn some more heads and go all the way."
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
