How to play dominos with Domino’s

Domino’s Pizza needs to update its customer service policy

arsh
The Spectrum

As a college student, diet becomes our last concern. 

The word “vegetable” becomes as dead as Vine (R.I.P.) and the options for food on campus aren’t the healthiest, nor the tastiest. 

So naturally, as a Long Islander, I crave pizza. 

Since I will never touch the disgraceful pizza in the Student Union, I look to Domino’s to bring a piping hot pizza right to my door. For a medium, two-topping pizza, I only pay $5.99.

I paid $5.99 for a two-topping medium pizza, that is, until a saw a YouTube video on how to get a free Domino’s pizza. 

To get on this deal, you first have to call your nearest Domino’s Pizza. You tell them you want a large one-topping pizza. When they ask what topping you want, tell them you want another steaming hot Domino's one-topping pizza.

They will then ask you what topping you want on that pizza, and you will proceed to say “another steaming hot Domino's one-topping pizza.” Repeat this cycle until you get 71-topped Domino’s pizzas. 

There’s just one problem, though: Domino’s won’t have a box to fit all those pizzas. 

To solve this ordeal, go to The Home Depot and purchase a Maytag refrigerator for $3,399.

When they ask you for your payment, you offer 70 piping hot, one-topping Domino’s pizzas. Once they accept this, you bring the refrigerator to Domino’s and put the pizza in the refrigerator box. 

You then pay Domino’s with the fridge and go back to The Home Depot. When you give the cashier the 71 pizzas and the cashier turns around to get your receipt, you take the 71st pizza and put it in your pocket. 

Now all good theories get proven by empirical methods, so we set out to see if this works.

Spoiler alert: I didn’t get too far. 

My friends and I called our nearest Domino’s and asked if we could get a large, one-topping pizza. The guy on the phone then asked: “What would you like as your topping?” We then replied: “Another steaming hot Domino's one-topping pizza.”

We could tell the disappointment from the employee from the long pause and loud sigh he made. 

He proceeded to make up some garbage to block us from our happiness. 

“You can’t do that, sir, because then it would be a sandwich,” he said.

We sat by the phone, disappointed and shocked that we were bested by the logical comprehension of the Domino’s employee.

But this is a violation of our very rights as Americans to be able to consume any coronary-disease-causing foods at low costs. What happened to “the customer is always right?” What are they teaching at the Domino’s training camp?

If I were the CEO of Domino’s and I encountered such buffoonery, I would say “why not 72-pizza-topped pizzas” because the customer is always right. Domino’s should take customer service notes from Amazon. 

I could buy a toilet from the Crossroads Culinary Center five years ago, call up Amazon today saying “I don’t know why it broke” ­– it was C3 – and get a full refund, no questions asked. 

Domino’s customer service should be so good that I should be able to eat three-fourths of a pineapple-topped pizza and be able to return the rest for a full refund. 

And yes, of course, I would use the refund to buy another pineapple-topped pizza.

 

Arsh Issany is a staff writer and can be reached at features@ubspectrum.com