Editor’s note: This article is a satire piece and should be taken as such.
Dear Anne:
The quality of the paper in the printers here at UB, especially the one in Governors, is just terrible. I just printed out an essay and the paper was smudged, wrinkled and had faint lines of text running across the middle of the page. Several paragraphs of my essay were totally illegible. I can’t hand that in. Even if the TA manages to decipher the essay, they’ll get the impression that I’m sloppy and careless just from the appearance of the paper. But I also can’t reprint – I’m running low on printing dollars already, mostly just because of this problem. Help me out.
Dear Misguided Reader:
Isn’t it interesting that a service for which you are paying UB is so completely useless that you must pay them twice to get it done right, thereby doubling their income? I do wonder why the problem hasn’t been fixed yet.
Quite aside from that, you should be ashamed of your behavior. How can you expect UB to simply throw out its smudged, wrinkled, and preprinted paper? You should be honored to take part in the campus-wide effort to recycle and work toward a waste-free system. UB thought its students were mature and responsible enough to respect the environment and to do their part. What a pity.
Dear Anne:
I’ve noticed that all of the food at UB is really salty. I was surprised to see that the sodium content of the soups is about 500 to 600 milligrams per serving, but I was seriously shocked to see that the tuna fish sandwich I’d picked up as an alternative had 680 milligrams. What is up with that? Are there any low-sodium foods at UB, or am I stuck with salads?
Dear Misguided Reader:
Don’t you know that low blood pressure can lead to fainting, fatigue, and lack of concentration? With all of this sodium, UB is demonstrating its caring role by assuring that your blood pressure is high enough that you stay alert in class. UB is only trying to help you with your studies.
Typical entitled teenagers, complaining about the nurturing embrace of their university. Did you know that Buffalo had a road salt shortage last year? That was only because an underappreciated, dedicated UB was concerned for its students and used it all in their food.
email: features@ubspectrum.com
