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Friday, March 29, 2024
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"Don't Ask Anne: Meal Plans, Study help and Michael Hall"

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Spectrum File Photo

Editor’s note: This article is a satire piece and should be taken as such.

Dear Anne:

My meal plan comes with 19 meals every week, and that’s just too many for me! Every club meeting I go to has free food, and I can never use up all of my meals. When I try to double swipe to use up meal credits, I just have even more food and end up with more unused meal credits. What’s a stuffed college student to do?

Dear Misguided Reader:

Well, look at you, complaining about all of your extra food. Just swimming in Nutrigrain bars and Gatorade, are you? Don’t you know there are starving people all over the world? For that matter, don’t you know there are starving people on campus? You would be surprised at the number of students who can’t keep track of their own meals. An intelligent, enterprising student would look at an equation of extra food and hungry people and see profit.

If that’s too far into sketchy legal territory for your weak mind, then why not make friends with a goose? Pick one out and toss it some food scraps now and then. Fatten it up. You’ll have a present for your family over the holidays.

Dear Anne:

I have a useless TA for math. He doesn’t know how to solve any of the more difficult homework problems. I can’t go to the professor for help because I always have a class during his office hours, and besides, I can’t make any sense of his teaching style. Where do I go for help?

Dear Misguided Reader:

Well, you certainly wouldn’t want to go to the math help center. I’ve heard that they’re a shady bunch. A better option would be to entirely rethink your major. A few good choices would be English, art, history or dance. Best of luck.

Dear Anne:

It seems like everybody on campus is getting sick, is already sick or is on the mend. I haven’t personally been sick yet, but I’ve heard something unsettling: Is it true that the only medical center is on South? If so, what sense does that make? Do they really expect sick or injured students to be able to think clearly enough to take a bus to South and get treatment?

Dear Misguided Reader:

Here is another example of the incessant whining of this generation. Kids these days are always going against the grain, just for the sake of it. Everybody is sick. You’re not sick. Really, are you unable to conform for even a minute? Shame on you.

To answer your question, yes, the medical center is on South. One would suppose that it is there because that’s where the medical students are, and they need someone to practice on. Don’t let it be you – there have been stories.

email: features@ubspectrum.com

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