American Gladiators

A great man once said, "Go back to sleep America. Here, watch American Gladiators and get fat and stupid."

Bill Hicks said that in 1993, when the first American Gladiators was in its prime. Fifteen years later, Gladiators is back, and if Mr. Hicks was still around, I think he'd be forced to admit that the primitive show that he hated so much was only a blissful precursor to the incredibly thought-divisive iteration a new generation is learning to love.

American Gladiators pits random folks against a group of overly-muscled-second-string athletes who dress like they were rejected from the casting call of Thunderdome for being "too glam." You've never seen such a wonderful crop of losers as American Gladiators presents at the beginning of each episode, crammed into red and blue uni-suits, atop that ridiculous pyramid. It's a smorgasbord of shame.

This is reality show schlock, and it's easy to dismiss it off the bat. But if you want to really get an inkling of the direction we're starting to head in, it's worth checking out. This really is the perfect reality television.

We thought that Survivor would hold that crown forever, with its ability to convince perfect strangers to act like petulant children towards each other while being captured on camera, but let's face it: American Gladiators is Survivor with violence.

It's nearly impossible to pay attention to a show like Gladiators and form a coherent thought at the same time. Flashing lights, bright colors and incredibly fast paced editing work on the human eye like a mad scientist's brainwashing machine.

Every time a cogent thought tries to struggle to the surface, another MTV-style jump cut or spandex clad breast grabs your eye and the opportunity is lost. Eventually, the drive to think will disappear as all of your thoughts are thought for you.

Of course, if you can manage to sit back a distance from the tube and maybe keep one eye closed, this show will make you laugh until you cry. Don't believe me? Look at Hulk Hogan's incredibly effeminate hair and try not to crack a smile. Or the "tragic" back-stories, like the physical therapist that said she suffered from low self-esteem with the same level of seriousness that most people would reserve for stories involving lost genitalia.

And who can forget the guy who missed his appearance on the first Gladiators because he got stuck in traffic, waited fifteen years to get on the second show, lost miserably, and started to cry?

In a world without any regulations, a show like American Gladiators would be shot in a concrete pit filled with medieval weapons and high speed, high definition cameras, so that we could watch Titan work over a toilet paper salesman from "Anytown, USA" with a nail-bat in slow motion.

But that show isn't what we've been given, so it's hard to lend any credence to the reactionary fools who say that Gladiators will be the downfall of humanity. It's a period piece, nothing more.

And what does that say about our period? We watch empty, meaningless television that doesn't even respect us enough to show us physical challenges that are really challenging. The show raises our heart rate, makes us yell, and leaves us feeling greasy, unattractive, and vaguely ashamed. Thanks, NBC, you found a way to give us that post-masturbation malaise without any of the preceding fun.

I would have been happier if I had tuned in to the series premiere and watched an hour of explicit, brutal violence. Programming like American Gladiators, with its frenetic pace and style, erases a person's ability to think for themselves, and I want you to think very carefully about what it means to lose the ability to think, because that's one of those statements that people tend to brush off without recognizing the gravity.

If this is a period piece, does that mean that we're gearing up for another dark age? Personally, I like thinking, and I'd rather not be burnt at the stake for it.

But it won't come to that, and you know why? Because when the angry mob ties me down and starts dousing me in gasoline, I'll just tell them that they're missing American Gladiators, and they'll hightail it home. Of course, I'll be right behind them, because I like the show...I recommend it. I just hope that you'll all take it with a grain of salt.