Yeah so "Rudy" made you cry, big deal. "Cinderella Man" made you think the Great Depression wasn't that bad. And don't forget "61" - you know, the story of the guy who really has the single season home run record.
Well, all those are great, but did they leave a mark on you? A mark that could only, perhaps, be left by perhaps a dog shooting free throws? How about two drunk buddies who created a sport phenomenon with baseball rules and a basketball style? And if you dig deep into that sports movie memory of yours, maybe a young boy with a broken rotator cuff who went on to play for the Chicago Cubs.
It's not the real people we love; it's the fake people who make great movies.
I give you my top ten fictional characters in sports movies.
10. Jamaican Bobsled Team - "Cool Runnings"
Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, gear on up, it's bobsled time... "Cool Runnings!" I know what you're thinking. These guys aren't fictional. But I assure you, they are. These four Jamaican jokesters made me realize that Jamaica has more to offer than just high quality cocaine - excellent bobsledding. I may have shed a few as a seven year old.
9. Air Bud - Pick your "Air Bud"
The damn dog has ten movies and is better at half those sports than I am. All my dog can do is pop a basketball. Had to give the K9 props.
8. Ray Finkle - "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
"Laces out!" Everybody and their mom should know that saying after Finkle's classic mishap, costing the Miami Dolphins the Superbowl. Finkle's dynamic character plays everything from place kicker to committed mental patient, from escape hiker to Lois Einhorn, head of the Miami P.D. The hold looked good, Finkle just booted it.
7. Shane Falco - "The Replacements"
Neo may be the chosen one, but Shane Falco was simply the man. It made me realize that even a washed up college QB who scrubs crap off boats in a marina can still score winning touchdowns and get the hottest cheerleader in the movie.
6. Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn - "Major League"
Talk about clumsy. I love how Vaughn has a 96-mile an hour gun but can't hit the broad side of a barn? I wish I had the power to knock the head off a dummy with a fastball like 'Wild Thing.' His character's story lives in my mind as the ultimate baseball movie moment as he walked 12 batters then strikes the final guy out. That pitch was Ju-u-u-u-u-u-ust a bit outside.
5. Carl Spackler - "Caddyshack"
Possibly the best battle in any sports movie is as simple as a psychotic groundskeeper and mischievous little gopher. Spackler and I have something in common; we both met the Dalai Lama himself. I cannot go a week without using Bill Murray's one-liners that live in movie quoting history and make "Caddyshack" the masterpiece it is.
4. Happy Gilmore - "Happy Gilmore"
Happy and I have more in common than most people know. We both love our grandmothers, we have both punched Bob Barker and we both have friends with wooden hands. The thing that really drives me is how he keeps those 5-foot checks in the back of his car. Kids of all ages should look up to such a great role model.
3. The Original Mighty Ducks - "Mighty Ducks"
It still amazes me to this day how Gordon Bombay led a bunch of unskilled sissies to somehow come together, get real good real fast and beat his former childhood team. I don't think I ever laughed harder when I realized Charlie was Pacey from Dawson's Creek. Goldberg and Fulton still lay on a pillowcase somewhere in my closet at home. "Quack, quack, quack!"
2. Benjamin "The Jet" Rodriguez - "The Sandlot"
"Save the Babe Ruth ball, save the world." That should have been the slogan to NBC's Heros. Anyone who knows anything about anything knows "The Jet" is a hero. I idolized Benny for maintaining the status of coolest kid on the block while at the same time being a mentor to the new dork. If you didn't have PF-Flyers, you might as well jump ship. His unforgettable chase scene making "the beast" his bitch and bringing that Ruth ball home cured my fear of dogs.
1. Rocky Balboa - 1-4 please
Forget Rocky V and even Rocky Balboa. The first four films in the Rocky series are candidates for best sports movies, period. Stallone is tough, dumb, smart, shy, sexy, fast, slow, fat and jacked in that order and still manages to give the gutsiest performance of his career without holding a machine gun and ten rounds. If there is anyone I can trust in life, it's Apollo Creed and Rocky Balboa. I considered boxing after watching all six movies straight. The scary thing is that 40 percent of America thinks Rocky Balboa is a real person. How's that for leaving your mark?
For all of you Rod Tidwell and Becky "the icebox" O'Shea fans... Better luck next year.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
