Byrned to a Crisp

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The Spectrum


I'm sorry that you've had to put up with three years of my crappy column, but here's one more for "the Gipper."

And no, "the Gipper" is not Larry Appleton from Perfect Strangers. It's former New York Knicks guard Johnny Starks. A duhhh!

Since I have a lot to mention and so little time, let's go old school with this one.

This goes to any haters out there, especially the YES Network's Michael Kay. Get off of Johnny Damon's case. I still can't believe Kay had the audacity to say that Damon is a disgrace to the Red Sox and baseball as a whole. Why, because he has a beard and long hair? Who cares? Kay is a disgrace to mankind and needs to get off of his high Yankee-molesting horse.

The Swan? I Want a Famous Face? Extreme (XXXXTREME!!!!11) Makeover? Are you kidding me? If they can put out this slop, then where is the reality series that I've been dreaming of? Is it really that hard to get Patrick Ewing, Yao Ming and that zany mechanic guy from Wings in the same house? There must be some sort of snafu in the production, but I'm keeping the faith.

Is it just me, or is the fact that boxers take shots to the head for a living kind of funny?

I may have hated Michael "gimme dat, dat, dat coke" Irvin in the past, but boy do I love the guy now. Besides the fact that his wardrobe seems to be spawned from a sexual relationship between Michael Jackson's and the Rockers' duds (WWF's Marty Jannetty and Shawn Michaels,) he's always shouting and laughing heartily. I don't know why, but that's a combination that you have to love.

Speaking of Easy E, his lyric "but they all had big knockers" will go down in lore right next to Sinatra's "luck be a lady." Count on it.

If they had reverse affirmative action in the NBA, would Mark Bortz be a lottery pick? I'd like to think so.

Am I the only person that remembers the show "Jake and the Fat Man?"

I love the fact that FeFe Dobson and the WNBA are teaming up to bring us commercials during the NBA Playoffs. Talk about something straight from the depths of Hell. What's next, playing Go West's "King of Wishful Thinking" over the loudspeakers at sporting events? Stop trying to neuter me.

I need a bumper sticker that says, "I'd rather be playing Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest."

My favorite sports moment in a TV show of all time was when Bobby Budnick gave a pricey tennis racket to Telley on Salute Your Shorts as a gift when she was in need of one for her big match against Max. Don't think it was that easy with Budnick though. I knew from the start that there was trouble brewing when Telley swore to Budnick on the "kiss of the double pinky thumb-knuckle" that she'd pay him back with a favor at some time. She ended up having to throw the match. The lesson here? Never make a deal with a redheaded scoundrel named Bobby Budnick.

I'll take the monster that was Shaquille O'Neal from 2000-2002 over any star power forward today. He was the most unstoppable force in my lifetime next to Michael Jordan.

What's with the San Diego Padres going with the camouflage look in their recent outings? Didn't they learn anything from Booker T's ill-fated transition to "GI Bro?"

It was so mean when Charles Barkley referred to Sam Cassell as Smeagol from Lord of the Rings. Who am I kidding? I wish I thought of it first. But still, Smeagol? Ouch!

Somebody needs to start writing a script for a new Jaws movie that has the Great White swimming in the confines of South Lake. It could even make an appearance in the SA office. Think of the potential for that film, it's through the roof.

Didn't you hate when some schmuck kid chose to play a game like "Cyber-Lip" over "Sonic the Hedgehog" on Nick Arcade? Idiots. At least they're not as dumb as the kid who responded "Muppets Take Manhattan" when Marc Summers asked "which Muppet movie takes place in London?" Eek.

Well, it's about time I got going. Peace! I'm outta here! (Cue the MacGyver theme and me jumping off of a cliff with a parachute (the cliff represents UB.))