The United Nations, in a declaration that shocked the people across the world late last night, announced that SUNY Trustee and UB student George Pape would replace Saddam Hussein as president of Iraq.
U.N. officials said the decision was made after weeks of deliberation with President George W. Bush and Secretary of State Colin Powell, who submitted a list of potential leaders that included, among others, Pape and Chris Hardwick, co-host of MTV's former dating show "Singled Out."
"The time has come for a regime change in Iraq," Bush said. "George Pape is the man who will usher Iraq into an era of peace and prosperity."
Pape, a senior triple-major in history, political science and African-American studies, was delighted to be named Iraq's top man.
"President of FSA, president of the Student Association, president of Iraq - this is awesome," Pape said. "I'm totally getting into Harvard Law."
French Ambassador Jacques Le Bleu said he could not help but be "mesmerized" by such a "eloquent and debonair young man."
"Pape has that certain je ne sais quoi," Le Bleu said, with a wink. "He has the voice and the words that can inspire even the most desperate of nations. He is the personification of benevolence and justice."
Once Pape is installed in office, he said he will install a cabinet, which will include Momentum Party candidates Jocelyn Tejeda as Secretary of Defense and Dennis Febo as Postmaster General.
In addition, Pape said that once a month, he would set up an "information booth" in the heart of Baghdad for Iraqi citizens to learn about the new government.
"I know a lot of Iraqis think that all the government does is mine oil, test chemical weapons on people and hold the occasional concert or comedy show," Pape said. "We want to show them that there's so much more available."
After the United Nations made its announcement, thousands of protesters surrounded the blocks in the U.N. building area, demanding that Pape refuse the office.
"This war is supposed to be about democracy!" said Moon-Blossom Smith, as she hoisted up a sign reading NO PAPE IN IRAQ in bold, red letters. "What right does the U.N. have to install a leader who was not elected by popular vote and will only cater to American interests?"
Powell said the protesters' concerns are "just a load of tree-hugging, no-job-wanting, 1960s-nostalgic bulls-."
"Time and time again, it has been made painfully obvious that the rest of the world is completely incapable of taking care of itself," Powell said. "It is the United States' responsibility to ensure that Iraq has competent leadership."
"And what better than a man who obviously sleeps in Gucci pajamas?" he added.
Senior White House officials believe Hussein fled to Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch last month. Hussein recently released a tape to the Arab television station al-Jazeera in which he refers to Pape as "the Great Satan."
"Dees Pape ees a capitalist pig een squalor," Hussein said. "Our loyal warriors and martyrs will lay the smackdown on his candy-a-."
Hussein's broadcast ended abruptly when Jackson hit him in the face with a pillow, yelling, "Tag, 'you're it,' my little Saddam."
Pape said Hussein loyalists would not pose any threat to his regime.
"Seriously, Hussein is just a sore loser, and in a few days, everyone will forget about him," Pape said. "Besides, my fresh, youthful face will look so much better on propaganda pamphlets than his sun-burned, pock-marked mug."
Surprisingly, Iraqi citizens have shown support for their new leader.
Shortly after his presidency was announced, Pape flew into the Iraqi city of Basra carrying a shipment of bread and pens bearing the Student Association logo. He was greeted by a mob of Iraqis throwing rose petals at his feet and begging him to kiss their infant babies' foreheads.
"When I saw his flaxen tresses and Armani loafers, I was filled with hope," said Fatima Muhammed, a 60-year-old Iraqi woman. "A clear message has resonated throughout Iraq:
"In Pape We Trust."
