Welcome back to school, everybody. More importantly, welcome back to page five of The Spectrum. I know what you were looking for-that tall blond guy with a witty SNL take-off or a twisting detective novel that ended in the mysterious confines of the chilled water factory. But he graduated, and here I am. My name is Dan, I'm the new editorial editor. Hi.
I'm going to try my best to make all of you laugh and think at the same time. In some cases, I'll point things out that you see everyday but never realized how ridiculous they were. Like how there is the children's hot chocolate in the Starbucks on campus. You have to be under 13 to order it, but there it is-on a college campus. Luckily a girl in my hall last year chalked my ID to say I was born in 1989.
This year I don't even have a hall. I live in Southlake with three former Red Jacket Resident Advisors. They were happier than anyone to get out of the dorms. Jeff, Brett, Dan and myself are also on a co-rec intramural softball team that beat everyone else. Once we win our second championship (when they reschedule the final from last year), we'll have more championship mugs to drink out of in our apartment.
Now some more about myself. I'm a hapless SNL and Conan O'Brien junkie. Staying up late nights here has allowed me to watch every episode to the point where I can recite skits and update jokes. I've also seen every episode of The Simpsons, The Critic and The Family Guy, so much of my comedy is derived from those five sources. I love many other things as well: baseball, the Dave Matthews Band and my hometown, Queens.
Which brings me to the next section of my piece, the advice for incoming freshmen. Over the summer, a few friends and I, all who have younger siblings starting out at various schools across the nation, decided to make a list of all the things we wished people told us about school. For your reading pleasure, I picked a few out.
Number one: The most important thing is, of course, Study. I know you don't want to, but you'll thank me when your parents compare your tuition bill to your grades. Secondly, don't be afraid to change your program if you either: a) decide you don't enjoy it or b) find something else you enjoy more. You'll regret it if you don't.
As for your dorm room, here are two good rules: Black lights are cool for only nine months - September through May of your freshman year. Just remember those are the only months they are cool. Leave them in your dorm room when you move out next year. Secondly, everyone has the exact same poster you do. You know which one I am talking about ... John Belushi, sweatshirt, COLLEGE. Take it down.
Never say no to a new experience, a new person or a new idea. You never know when you'll meet your best friend. On the other side, no matter what your nickname was in high school, don't ask anyone here to call you that. You will get a new nickname that is much more fitting. Nicknames are only valid if the people who call you by it gave it to you.
Plus, get a job, even if it is a crummy job. When you go to school for three hours a day, that leaves 21 with nothing else to do. That is where the freshman 15 comes in.
For the guys, you are going to go grocery shopping by yourself in the first couple of weeks at school. You will shocked at how much garbage an 18-year-old kid will buy if his mom isn't there telling him he does not need all that trash. Remember when you were a kid shopping with your mom, and you would always say, "Can we get this, Mom? Can we get this?" Well, Mom isn't there anymore. You know what my friend bought the first time he went grocery shopping? He remembers because his ex-girlfriend kept the receipt because she thought it was hilarious: A gallon of chocolate milk, an entire carrot cake, pickles, one case of Peach Snapple, a pineapple, Oreo double stuff cookies, straws, half a pound of jelly beans and three frozen pizzas.
For the ladies, you do not need to shower and do hair/makeup before class, especially ones before 10. No one cares, and it is a dead giveaway that you are a freshman. Spend the extra time sleeping or watching silly shows or doing an assignment for that next class. Also, invest in a baseball cap. It's acceptable to wear one to class.
And finally, find a good barbershop, post haste.
Unfortunately, I didn't have time or space to get into some of the deeper issues which trouble me at this time: impending baseball strike, the world's water supplies being privatized, President Bush's moronic stance on foresting and really, well, his moronic stance on everything.
So, Buffalo students, hopefully in the coming weeks I'll be hearing from all of you when you write letters to us. Hopefully, you will all enjoy hearing from me.
