University Police announced Tuesday that a surge in post-game crime after UB sporting events is directly related to an increase in parking tickets handed out in 2001-02.
The announcement comes after a season in which muggings, car break-ins, and vandalism were rampant after the conclusion of both football and basketball games.
Attendance at both UB football and basketball games increased this year, resulting in an all-time high in the amount of cars parked on campus after usual class hours were over. As a result, campus police were forced to work around the clock, handing out parking tickets to every driver that crossed, or came close to crossing, yellow parking lines with at least one tire.
"Our first priority is to hand out parking tickets," Grela said. "With the amount of parking problems we had at sporting events this year, the police force was just too tired to assist anyone in immediate danger."
Criminals and vagrants fed on the lack of security after each sporting event, praying on some of Buffalo's smallest men, women and midgets. While the police were off handing out tickets, students lost wallets and car stereos.
The problem was never more obvious than when Mark Watson, a UB student, was mugged after a basketball game at Alumni Arena.
"Two cops were just standing there watching," Watson claimed. "One was like 80 years old, by the time he ran over the perpetrators were in Canada. The other looked at me, but was too busy with his automatic ticket writer to come over and give any assistance."
Grela defended the two officers on duty.
"From what [my officers] told me, the victim was wearing a bubble jacket," Grela said. "Students need to be more careful when wearing bubble jackets, they give the impression that the person is huge and muscular. They just saw him and thought he could handle the situation on his own."
Vice President for Student Affairs Dennis Black posed one solution to the security problem.
"We need to take a couple of officers off the parking ticket beat and make sure they keep an eye on UB's Greek students," Black said. "The Greeks are pretty much the only people that do anything wrong at this university, if we watch them I bet that our crime rate would decrease dramatically."
Black then chased down a local news van just in case they needed an interview.
Another solution was proposed at a university meeting last Monday. The solution calls for the games to be televised on UB's on-campus television station, allowing students to stay in their dorms to watch home contests.
"That solution would fit in well with our other endeavors to make our stadium and arena as friendly as possible for the opposition," said Bob Arkeilpane, director of athletics.
"We already phased out the Bull Pen, and we are working on getting rid of those hecklers in the first row and anyone else that tries to have fun at the games. Now if we could just get rid of the rest of the students we would have a nice atmosphere in which to play."
UB Student Relations Coordinator Rob Suglia was not in support of the solution.
"That's not hardcoreness, it's all about hardcoreness and being hardcore," Suglia shouted. "How can you be hardcore when you're sitting in your dorm room taking hits from a gravity bong! Students probably won't even watch the games! They will just sit around downloading porn from ResNet! That's not hardcore . well it depends what kind of porn you get . but it is definitely not hardcoreness!"
Suglia then downed a "power shake" and began to "hulk up," daring anyone to challenge him to a ladder match out in the parking lot. After nobody accepted, Suglia power-bombed Black through a table, declared himself champion, and returned calmly to his seat.
The proposition seemed to anger Joseph Krakowiak, director of Dorms and Apartments.
"They are not dorms, they are residence halls," Krakowiak shouted. "And we can't have anything good on TV there, especially sports. Do you know how hard I have tried to keep Buffalo Sabres games off campus television?"
Suglia became angry with the statement, ripped off his shirt and approached the dorm director. Krakowiak panicked, tripped, fell, dropped his keys, and soiled himself before running from the room to return to his dungeon-like office where he could resume his thankless job and await his day of reckoning.
At press time, no official solution has been announced. It is likely university officials will decide the issue in their usual manner - getting drunk at Pure Platinum and allowing Candy the Yoga-stripper decide the fate of over 23,000 students.
