News

---

'I get no respect'

Every morning I come into my office, 9 o'clock, ready to spend another day running the university.

Kicker: Home and garden

Generation magazine, a friend to amateur botanists everywhere, has a cause for celebration. It was found that the nitrogen, potassium and phosphorus content of just one Generation magazine can support the life cycle of the rarest plants.

Students open UB chapter of Polar Bear Club

He may be cute and he may be cuddly, but he'll claw your face off the minute you get in the ring with him.A new club has formed much to the delight of students with bloated senses of machismo and self-destructive frames of mind.

Making a stand

Cuisine: Street-side Americana

Menu:Best--Grilled-to-order cheeseburger with pickles and onionsWorst--Hot dog cooked in gutter waterAtmosphere:Best--Partiers everywhere near ChippewaWorst--No such thing as 'worst' at a street vendorMoney:Best--Cheaper than drinks during Happy HourWorst--The homeless will rob you blind

Schedule

Competitive EatingMonday: at Red Jacket Dining Hall, 3:01 a.p.Underwater basket weavingTuesday: vs.

Pat Robertson to deliver commencement speech

He has been known for stopping hurricanes, supporting assassinations of foreign miscreants, and touching the lives of millions of Americans everyday.

Flavor Flav crushed by grandfather clock bling

Rapper Flavor Flav was hospitalized on Saturday after falling down a flight of stairs at the VH1 studios due to the immense weight of a usually-freestanding hand-carved floor clock around his neck.According to VH1 officials, Flav is recovering at home after spending Saturday night at the USC University Hospital's Celebrity Trauma Unit in Los Angeles.The clock, an eight-foot tall, single-pendulum timepiece circa 1780 by Blaylock Clockmakers of Longtown and Carlisle, was destroyed on impact.At the time of the incident, Flav was preparing to record commentary for the VH1 special Flavor of Love Strikes Back, the follow-up to the rapper's televised quest to find his true love by pitting desperate single gold-diggers against each other in weekly challenges.Witnesses on the scene said that although the shattering woodwork and mechanics of the antique clock looked like they took their toll on Flav, his humorously oversized Viking helmet luckily broke his fall.Dr. Mark Spoonamore, USC University Hospital back and spine specialist, said that after recovering from a few broken ribs and some minor bruising, Flav should be back to his usual self."In time he'll heal," Spoonamore said.

Am-burglar strikes away from Heights

Sean, a longtime burglar in the University Heights area, recently realized that thievery by South Campus is not a worthwhile venture.After years of breaking into homes that owners don't even bother to lock up, presumably for their lack of valuable possessions, Sean, who has asked that his name be changed for anonymity (though it has not been), has taken to riding the bus 15 minutes to Amherst, where the windows are aglow with desirable goods."I don't know what I was thinking all those years," Sean said.

Breaking the curve

Coming off a test in which the performance of several seniors guaranteed a helpful curve, the underclassmen in professor Angela Cooper's accounting class finally lived up to their hype on Friday, ensuring most of the class passed the midterm exam, 28-22.The victory was fueled by freshmen Dana Moss and Evan Wynowski, who both answered 93 percent correct in Section II.

"Mouth of the MAC, Idbihi awarded for gaping hole"

Junior center Yassin Idbihi of the men's basketball team has another trophy to add to his mantle.

The Sh*tList

April brings out the best in The Spectrum staff, so here are just a few things that are dead to us.

Spectrum almost writes story about South Campus

Editor in Chief Jeremy Burton decided to silence on Friday criticism for The Spectrum

Stretch it out

Exact numbers are hard to come across, but the yet to be counted absentee ballots from South Campus means the SA election of 2006 continues.

Cerminara dominates life

In the Nov. 21 edition of The Spectrum, senior wrestler Kyle Cerminara said that his goal is to "dominate everyone." Although it was assumed that he meant he wanted to dominate everyone on the wrestling mat, The Spectrum has found out that he also applies his philosophy to everyday life.

Sidelines

Basketball seating change announcedDue to a petition signed by over 400 students and incessant ridicule by rabid fans, the UB athletics department has announced that they will be relocating student seating for the next men's basketball season.The students' seats were previously located in the upper halves of three south-side chair-back sections.

Spectrum Cartoon

Swoosh juiced by Orange

In a basketball bonanza battle of wills, the Orange dominated The Spectrum Swoosh in a furious routing in the Alumni Arena Triple Gym during UB intramural basketball.The 66-31 massacre in front of seven fans saw Jennifer "The Beast" Gillan lead a team of predominantly sports editors with 10 points on the evening.

Medicine given orally

With greater distribution, the porn industry has undergone a revolution releasing films of all sorts.

Hussain wins by 10 votes

In an election that brought out over 2,300 voters and more candidates than any recent Student Association contest has seen, UB Advocates president and vice president candidates Viqar Hussain and Leslie Meister won their respective positions by only 10 votes on Thursday.Beating out the Progress party's Greg Stern and Marquis Whitmore, respectively, for the top to SA positions, the UB Advocates also took three of the four SUNY delegate positions this week, with party members Christopher Mendoza, Eliot Sherman and Melody Mercedes all winning seats on the Student Assembly.Progress's treasurer candidate Peter Grollitsch and delegate candidate Rob Mercurio also won seats in next year's government, keeping the UB Advocates from a sweep like that of Elevation '05 last year.A total of 2,347 students voted, up by 770 voters from last year's turnout in the three-day election held in the Student Union.