"I'm going home and putting a gun in my mouth."
-"Alex Trebek"
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to "Celebrity Jeopardy." I would like to express my sincere apologies to all the mothers of the world for Mr. Connery's unfortunate comments.
Sean Connery: Stop being such a nancy boy, Trebek. Mommy's not here to change your diaper.
Trebek: Anyway, let's take a look at the scores. The aforementioned Sean Connery is in the lead with zero.
Connery: Wrong again, you Royal Canadian Mounted Poof. I have $5 in my pocket.
Trebek: Then you get a prize for being a good boy. In second place, with negative $700 is the president of the United States, George W. Bush.
Bush: Don't mess with Texas.
Trebek: Sir, I did not.
Bush: Good.
Trebek: And finally, in third place, with negative $4400 is the product of a union between a tick-infested mule and a pile of dung, Osama bin Laden.
Bin Laden: What a glorious day. I think I will smother some premature infants in the name of God.
Trebek: You disgust me. Let's take a look at the categories for Double Jeopardy. They are: "Potent Potables," "American Presidents Named George," "Colors of the Rainbow," "Yummy Foods," "Shapes with Three Sides," "Chairmen of the Boards," and finally "Television Characters Named Homer." Mr. President, why don't you pick a category?
Bush (squinting): Gimmie, "American Presidents Named George" for $5 million.
Trebek: The board only goes to $1000, sir.
Bush: $1000? I make more money than that.
Trebek: For $1000 then: "This George won the closest election in history after a Supreme Court decision in his favor." (Beep.) Dog-faced Osama?
Bin Laden: He would be the infidel cur defiling Muslim holy lands with his armies.
Trebek: In the form of a question?
Bin Laden: Who is the infidel cur defiling Muslim holy lands with his armies? (Buzz.)
Trebek: No, you fetid waste of protoplasm. (Beep.) Sean Connery?
Connery: George Hamilton? (Buzz.) Damn!
Trebek: Mr. President, I can't believe you're not answering. (Beep-beep.) The answer, of course, was George W. Bush.
Bush: I thought it was someone else. I knew it wasn't Gore. How ya doing, Al ol' buddy? Guess where I live now? Having fun in Tennessee? (Snickers.)
Trebek (exhales): Mr. bin Laden, would you select?
Bin Laden: Death to the Zionists and infidel pigs -
Trebek: You know what? Shut up. I don't want to listen to you. Mr. Connery, please select before I swallow my own tongue.
Connery: Whatever turns you on, sweetie. I'm a little surprised at the category choices, Trebek. I figured you didn't like girls.
Trebek: What?
Connery: Well, right there. It says "Chairmen of the Broads."
Trebek: It says "Boards," Mr. Connery. That's "Boards."
Connery: That may be, my lad. But I've gotten more broads this week than you've had your entire life.
Bin Laden: You are a filthy, dirty sinner.
Connery: Piss me off one more time, you turd, and I'll hang you from the turrets of my castle in Scotland with your turban.
Trebek: While I find Mr. Connery objectionable as a rusty spike through my cerebellum, I agree with his sentiments.
Bin Laden: You suck.
Trebek: No sir, you suck. Anyway, "Boards" for $800: "He resigned as head of Enron amidst charges of stock tampering." (Beep.) President Bush.
Bush: Dick Cheney? (Buzz.)
Trebek: No. (Beep.) Osama?
Bin Laden: Your monopolistic utility companies and their callous disregard for the public welfare demonstrate the inherit hollowness of your godless society. (Buzz.)
Bush: Didn't you own stock in Enron?
Bin Laden: Yes I did.
Bush: You should have bought a baseball team.
Trebek: Since we're all just killing time until the sun explodes, and thus ending the pain, I'll pick a category for you. "Shapes With Three Sides" for $400: "This shape has three sides." (Beep.) President Bush?
Bush (squinting hard): What is an "O?" (Buzz.)
Trebek: Thank god I'm Canadian. (Beep.) Mr. Connery is looking to open his yap. Look out world.
Connery: What is a tri-
Trebek: Yes? Do you have the correct answer?
Connery: A tri-
Trebek: Good lord! This might be a breakthrough on the same level as Jane Goodall and her chimps. Yes? Yes? What is it Bright Eyes?
Connery: A tripod? (Laughs uncontrollably.)
Trebek: Why? Why do you do that? Why must you insist in destroying all that's kind and good in my world?
Connery: Because I can, you bacon-eating, beer-drinking, Stanley Cup-hoisting, Quebec-separatist yeti.
Bush: Canada is our neighborhood to the north. We share the most continentigual, undefended border with them in the world. Colin Powell told me that.
Connery: Boy, you might be legally retarded. (Editor's Note: Yes, I stole that line from "Saturday Night Live." But it works so well.)
Trebek: Now we've slunk our way to "Final Jeopardy." The question: write your name. You all know this. Check your wallets. Mr. bin Laden, the faux poverty-stricken holy warrior, perhaps it is written on your underwear. Time's up, let's see what you wrote. President Bush, you answered: "George." Very good. And you wagered: "H W Bush." Amazing.
Bush: Strategery.
Trebek: Osama bin Laden, your answer: "The disbelievers will burn in the fires of the thrice-damned goddess of tortured souls-" judges, is this an acceptable answer?
(A hail of gunfire rips through bin Laden, turning him into cold meat on a stick.)
Trebek: Apparently not. And bringing up the rear-
Connery: Isn't that your job?
Trebek: -is Mr. Connery. Your answer: an illustration of breasts. And your wager: the accompanying illustration of female genitalia. Wonderful.
Connery: Does this make you feel all tingly down there?
Trebek: Only a bath in battery acid could do that. I no longer feel the world. I'm Alex Trebek and I'm going to look for the tallest building to jump off from. Good night.
