The 'Great American Column'

Some of the greatest authors of the last few hundred years were the ones who set out to explain the aura of America, both in its grandeur and in its unspoken faults. Some of my favorites have always been the works of Mark Twain and F. Scott Fitzgerald, but in many ways, both of these master wordsmiths are tied to their eras - their books are left only to be read in English classes.

It's not that they're bad books; "Huckleberry Finn" and "The Great Gatsby" are nothing less than monumental in the realm of literature. Their physical stature, unfortunately, is a problem. They're just too long.

For the modern American, time to sit and read great novels disappeared with the radio. And the TV. And TV dinners. And if nothing else, the Internet.

So how does one capture the essence of true American dreams and capitalism, get people to actually read it and ironically try to make a few bucks doing it?

The Great American Column.

No more will authors pace, trying to examine American Life, wearing out floorboards and shoe soles. No more will writers spend years editing manuscript and fine tuning details. Who has that kind of time?

Not me.

Look at the world. We don't have time for dating, so we have "speed dating." The only time I have for watching TV is late at night, where some guy in a sports car on a beach tells me he can help me get rich quick. The last meal I ate at a set dinner table was probably a family holiday - as a modern American man, my diet is drive-thrus and "just add water."

And it's not just a localized trend or fad. The world is moving faster than a riverboat floating downstream, and I don't know anyone who's been able to have an affair and throw lavish soirees at their mansion on Long Island anytime recently. If it can't be summarized in a memo or a news brief, the world just doesn't have time.

So to tackle the column itself, and to do so efficiently and quickly, the first few chapters could be chopped completely. They're usually plot development, and mostly they just point out complacency. It's all background information.

Replace it with: "Slavery is bad, greed is bad, but a lot of people do it/act on it anyway and don't see a problem with it." Or perhaps the more modern "Why does everyone have to talk on cell phones while driving? What has this world come to?"

Got it? Good. (Tackling harder topics than bad auto-etiquette is okay, but not encouraged. Simple points mean simpler sentences and shorter columns.)

The formulaic center section of the Great American Novel/Column needs deep internal reflection. Questioning of society, rebelling against authority, making personal choices.

There's no reason why this needs more than a sentence or two.

"Why would anyone drive so recklessly just to order a pizza or catch up on gossip? Again, what has the world come to? I will not take calls anymore! If it is important, I will pull over."

And then, the ending. If Twain and Fitzgerald taught me anything, bittersweet and/or tragic is fine. It's thought provoking. It creates controversy and intrigue. Or it pisses readers off. Either way, more people take notice that way. At this point, with the average attention span of a child being around eight minutes per topic and the lack of society-wide leisure reading not doing much to grow that into adulthood, be sure to keep it short.

"The protagonist convinces the Verizon 'can you hear me now?' guy to retire early, but much like the Dell computers kid from a few years back, nobody notices." Or, "the protagonist dies in a car accident because of a chatty, neglectful 20-something driving a Hummer. The driver wasn't hurt physically, but commits suicide from the guilt. The world reflects."

Even if the meaning is vague, people will spend years analyzing it if it works.

But then again, maybe "people who drive and talk on the phone at the same time, for shame" isn't a winning topic for the Great American Column. Maybe something more impacting is in order, like the societal trend of the world moving too damn fast.

Who decided the world had to be so rushed, anyways? Yeah, there are deadlines and schedules, but the human mind can't get anything done without a little rest once in a while. It's autumn, go walk through a park and enjoy the foliage and the crisp breeze. Even just escaping for an hour or two can change the dynamic of an entire week.

Now, the bittersweet ending. Even these chances are fleeting, so take them now or take them never. Once winter sets in, the choice left will be to settle in and read a novel or two.