"Honk if you love justice!"
- The Tick
In a typical week The Spectrum receives, and I can say this without fear of contradiction because nobody fact checks this column, two or three letters to the editor. After pouring myself a good, stiff drink I tear into these letters with all the enthusiasm of a death row inmate waiting for the injection to kick in.
Normally, my scantily-clad assistants and I don't give a second thought to handling the volumes of Spectrum mail. After the anthrax infections of major news organizations and Capitol Hill using the mail as a delivery system for the bacterium, however, I began to wonder about our mail. Is it safe to handle? Could a terrorist be so enraged by our support of UB's new courtroom in O'Brian Hall they attempt to infect us? Should I still let my baby sister chew on the mail? And who came up with the question mark anyway?
After pondering these questions for a while my head began to throb so I laid down to take a nap. Upon waking up, a realization hit me like a Tomahawk missile colliding with Osama bin Laden's summer house. In light of the events on Sept. 11, many Americans are contemplating similar concerns and are looking for answers.
(Tangent alert.) I propose we find the machine that constantly churns out phrases such as, "In light of the events of Sept. 11" and smash it to pieces. Undoubtedly, this infernal device resides within the bowels of Ted Turner's CNN or the basement of the Associated Press. Americans must unite and destroy this monster in the name of freedom. Thank you. This now concludes your tangent alert. Enjoy the rest of the column.
As a responsible (?) journalist it is incumbent upon myself to educate the UB community on the anthrax issue as well as how our lives have changed in light of the events of Sept. 11. Damn, I didn't hit the machine hard enough. (Editor's Note: I swear no jokes about the band Anthrax. Really.)
Q: I heard Carson Daly, like, talking about this, like, junk called anthrax. What's the deal?
A: Anthrax is a bacterium which occurs most commonly in hoofed mammals, like Satan. Symptoms can include nausea, loss of appetite and vomiting; similar to symptoms after watching an Oliver Stone film. Anthrax is not passed from person to person like a cold. Only direct exposure to the bacteria leads to infection. If you know someone infected, don't worry. It's safe to shove your tongue down his or her throat.
Q: What should I do if I think I've become infected?
A: Real answer? You won't be, but if you're a hypochondriac, consult a doctor. Joke answer? Buy war bonds. Help kill a terrorist so they won't do this again.
Q: Will there be war?
A: Uh, the war's already started.
Q: Sorry, old material. Uh, okay! Will there be a draft?
A: Right about now, the United States could drop old toilets and bathtubs on the Taliban and win the war in two months. Hell, old toilets and bathtubs might improve the country. I don't think a draft will be enacted. Even if the United States invades, our guys and gals will make it quick and messy. Don't worry worthless hippies. You won't have to stand on principle opposing the draft by running away to Canada. Contribute to society by smoking your pot and collecting welfare checks.
Q: Weren't those anti-war sidewalk chalkings stupid?
A: Absolutely. How can peace be achieved without war when you are attacked? Should we have not fought the Japanese? What if someone punches you in the nose, will not fighting back solve the problem? I'll make a deal with you peaceniks: if you can tell me how to bring Osama bin Laden and al Qaeda to justice without violence in 400 words or less, I'll print the letter.
Q: Will the United States ever find Osama bin Laden?
A: Is the pope Catholic? The United States and our allies defeated Nazi Germany, imperialist Japan and international communism in fifty years. Any and all humans to set foot on the moon were Americans. Some cowering, twisted desert rat is no match for us.
Q: What will the United States do to him?
A: Good question. Since I'm in the mood for contests, let's ask the readers. How should the United States punish Osama bin Laden? Be creative. Drop your answer of no more than ONE SENTENCE and your name off in my mailbox in 132 Student Union. Whatever I judge as the best response will be printed in this space next week. Make it messy people.
Q: I have a question, American infidel.
A: Who- it's you, isn't it? Osama bin Laden!
Q: That's right. I want to know why you stupid Americans think you can stop the inevitable progress of my revolution?
A: Because we've stopped every empire, dictator and tinhorn nut ball who's ever tried to end this glorious experiment. We carry the memory of a dozen generations in our blood who've sacrificed too much to let everything fall to pieces because of some spoiled brat who can't convince the world he's right. Oh, and Osama?
Q: Yes?
A: You never hear the one that gets you.
Q: BOOM
