As an avid bathroom user –– mostly due to high consumption of C3 –– I have become a campus bathroom connoisseur. Through my two years at UB, I’ve used almost every male bathroom on North Campus. When duty calls, you don’t refuse.
Just in time for the horrors and frights of Halloween, I’ve ranked the top five worst male bathrooms on North Campus that’ll give students a scare.
#5. Any bathroom in Lockwood Library
Ranking: 6/10 toilet papers
The problem with these bathrooms isn’t the cleanliness; it’s the dreadful height.
I’m 6 feet 1 inch tall and my feet dangle when using it. This leads to improper and unsatisfactory stools. Also, in the winter it’s basically Antarctica in there, except nothing is getting hotter. I waste my time shivering rather than effectively defecating.
#4. Natural Science Complex
Ranking: 2.5/10 toilet papers
This bathroom really brings out the science in our poop. What are they feeding these STEM majors?
This bathroom never has any paper towels, so the floor is always wet. The stalls always have stains and urine on the seats filled with diseases.
The only way to use this is to place a bed of toilet paper on the seat. At least the stall walls feature a ton of school gossip and a number to call for a “good time.”
#3. The Ellicott Complex atrium
Ranking: 2/10 toilet papers
Being right next to Hubie’s and Sizzles isn’t going to end up well.
It’s never good news when the place that people go to before they defecate sells steak fries and wings. This spooky bathroom is so overused that the stall doors swing both ways and the urinal handles are one flush away from falling off.
My advice is go to the private stalls in the back of Spaulding Quadrangle.
#2. The third floor of Capen Hall
Ranking: 1.75/10 toilet papers
This place gets used and abused by all the late night socializers, and some of the zombie studiers in Capen’s silent library.
The bathroom is always in use, so the janitors can never clean it. The worst part is you probably know someone in silent library. When they catch you dropping the stool, the embarrassment distracts you from a proper “number two.”
#1. The first floor of the Student Union
Ranking: -10/10 toilet papers
This place gets used by EVERYBODY.
Students, non-students, sex traffickers, religious solicitors, vampires –– you name it, they use it.
The place has had the same strand of hair on the urinal handle since 1998. A bed of toilet paper won’t help you and a gas mask won’t help you, so abstaining from that bathroom is your best bet.
Arsh Issany is a staff writer and can be reached at features@ubspectrum.com.
