Editor's note: This article is satirical and is not meant to be taken literally. 'Carson' is a pen name.
Dear Carson,
I am curious to know what you think about beer. Which brands are cool? Which ones are lame? Is there a beer that fits my personality type? I partied a lot in high school with older kids and we guzzled down massive amounts of the cheapest beer we could possibly afford with respect to our budgets and the limits of our livers. Now I've cooled off a bit with raging and consider myself more of a "few drinks at the bar" kind of guy. Switching to something as fancy as Scotch and cutting out beer altogether doesn't really suit me because I like to slam a few on Sunday during the game; but I still want my beer to appear classy and interesting in my firm grip when I approach a potential mate at the local watering hole. Find the beer for me!
Sincerely,
I don't always drink beer, but...
***
Dear Beer,
An interesting young man like you prefers Stella Artois. Here you have a delightful Belgian lager that shouldn't be hard to get used to liking. The Stella can typically be bought at any grocery story in six or 12 packs of finely decorated bottles. For the special occasion you're anticipating, the company has crafted chalices that make pouring Stella from the tap a super classy way to get bombed out of your tree; the chalice is scientifically engineered to ensure a good pour, but all you need to know is that it will look damn good in your hand. Now, I want to shed some light on beer in general, not only for your ventures into mindful intoxication, but for the readers who may have been misguided in their quest for the ultimate brew: If I hear one more person suggest that Pabst Blue Ribbon is so "hipster," I will funnel, or perhaps even "shotgun," a pint of their blood on sight. As a real hipster, let me be clear in saying that Pabst Blue Ribbon has become the most mainstream beer in America. If you must get a "30 rack," as most heathens refer to a package of 30 beers, of something cheap, go with Rolling Rock or, even better, locally brewed Genesee. You won't find much taste difference when dealing with any of these s****y beers, but it's all about staying obscure and edgy in this trendy world of hipster ideals. "From the glass-lined tanks of Old Latrobe," Rolling Rock comes in a signature green bottle and gets you drunk - we'll take it. Genesee, or more commonly referred to as "Gene-sewer" by locals, is best enjoyed as a six pack of "pounders" that will get townies stoked on your presence at their block party and confirm for any women there that you're down for a night of cheap thrills and pounding. Classic. My personal favorite is "super dry," Japanese Asahi draft beer - "the beer for all seasons." You're damn right it is. These mothers come in one-liter cans that beg to be smashed over your head as soon as you've Instagramed a photo that illustrates how cool you are for drinking something no one has heard of. Be safe, and stay thirsty, my friend.
