Over the years I have studied the way people say hello to each other from afar. Some might call this creepy. I call it being a good journalist. There are two main factors as to how to say hello: the setting and the person. I'm going to break down the data that I have collected.
The "Attention Whores":
This is for those two girls that need to let everyone know they are saying hello to each other. This hello normally takes place in a crowded area such as the Student Union. The two girls lock eyes from across the room and begin to scream uncontrollably. If you witness this happening, expect it go on for three to five minutes depending on how much attention the girls think they deserve and how long it has been since their last PDA. Once the eyes lock on target, the two will sprint toward each other, knocking over fellow students, teachers and in rare occurrences, infants, in order to leap into each other's arms. A spinning or twisting motion will began to take place and the Jaws of Life will be necessary to break them apart.
The "Friend of a Friend":
Ever get introduced to someone at party and then see them in the Student Union? Or see your partner from a group activity in that one class pass by in the hallway and you don't know what to say to them? Well have no fear – use the "friend of a friend." It is simply a head nod. If you have talked to the person at most one time, then they receive a downward nod with little to no mouth movement. However, if you've had multiple one-on-one conversations with them, they should receive an upward nod and a "what's up" (insert name) or "what's up man" (if you don't know their name). You should at least mouth the words clearly enough to have your lips read, but not say the words loud enough to actually be heard. If you are not Facebook friends, this method is your best bet.
The "Bros Before Hoes":
This is best used when a guy is walking in a public area with a girl. You see your bro, you probably saw him before class and you even might have been texting him. But that doesn't matter – you're going to walk over and give him the high five you have unspokenly agreed on (men have different handshakes with people depending on who it is). You may have to step in front of your girl to get to him. This may normally be considered rude, but please refer to the title and you will see it is perfectly socially acceptable. You should then talk about any noteworthy updates – i.e., anything pertaining to females or sports – you two may have for one another, and then you may introduce your girl if you like.
The "Awkward Kiss":
If you are reading this then you probably shouldn't be given the awkward kiss on the cheek hello or good-bye. This kiss is used for people over the age of 27 or for family members. My critique may stem from my childhood phobia of kissing relatives at family get-togethers. The smell of old lady perfume and bright lipstick just wasn't appealing as a 7-year-old. At some point some of my friends started to this and it just rubs me the wrong way. I feel as though a big ole' bear hug is a much better sign of affection rather than a peck on the cheek. I am by no means a germaphob, but I hate the residue that is left from Great Aunt Yetta's kiss.
The Shakespeare:
"To say hello or not say hello." This may overlap with the "Friend of a Friend." Ever pass somebody and not know if you should say hello? Here's the situation: you're walking in the hallway by yourself and you can't scramble your cell phone to avoid eye contact. The two of you lock eyes and you don't want to be the first to look away. So you start to mouth hello but then she looks away. She looks back and you go for a wave and she looks right through you. Now you are stuck with your hand in the air and a finger up your ass. If you have a hat, this is when you adjust it, if not simply putting your hand through your hair to avoid further embarrassment.
Email: bryan.feiler@ubspectrum.com
