Sex is "a painful activity in which a man, using the stiffest and pointiest part of his pelvic region, repeatedly stabs a female in her crotch until he feels satisfied," according to urban dictionary.
I'm going to have to disagree with this dim-witted definition, because when executed correctly, sex is one of the only drug-free ecstasies. However, if a boy has yet to swipe that V-card away from you, urban dictionary's definition is right on point.
If you're one of those that have yet to have the pleasure of getting it in, I feel very, very sorry for you. Whether it's because you're saving it for ‘that special someone' (so corny), it's against your religion (understandable and respectable, this column doesn't pertain to you), or you're just more focused on your schoolwork (nerd), it's time to get a move on.
If you want to have good sex before the world ends in 2012, I'd start as soon as possible, even tonight if you can, because practice makes perfect.
"We were having sex and she was really tight and it just didn't feel good so I couldn't continue. We had to stop and she gave me a blowjob, then threw up on my bare chest and left," said Peter Di Gioia, a sophomore accounting major.
Having sex for the first time is, more often than not, a fail. Especially for the boys that have this idea that the tighter the vagina, the better the sex.
News flash: if we're talking about hair ties or shoe laces, then tight is right. However, virgin vaginas are purely painful for both parties.
Magazines such as Cosmopolitan and television shows such as Sex and the City glamorize this act when in reality the nerve-wracking foreplay leading to uncomfortable sex is potentially the most awkward series of events, ever.
The foreplay is stressful and ultimately unnecessary because when a girl knows she's about to give up her virginity she's not concentrating on how horny she is or how sensitive her clit feels. She's worrying about the condom ripping, about looking foolish, and about whether or not she'll end up bleeding all over the sheets. That is, if she's classy enough to be on a bed.
Moreover, no girl actually knows how to move her body during her first attempt at sex (unless you've studied videos and memorized the words of Cosmo).
The most common position: dead fish.
And by dead fish I mean just out of the water, still gasping for air and wobbling against the concrete floor. The girl tries to thrust her pelvis forward but can't because there's a penis piercing her insides.
On the other hand, there are really risky virgins out there that give away their cards with a bam – or should I say woof – and let their cherries pop from behind. If you're ready to get on all fours for someone make sure you use extra lube, because there's no shot you'll be wet enough the first time you let his package into your mailbox and you don't want any rips in the rubber.
Even worse, if you're sticking to that carbs-free diet and letting that hot dog in without being wrapped in a bun, make sure you're on the pill. Even better, stick to using condoms because you don't want any diseases or babies.
The lucky boy that has my V-card in his wallet was not actually so lucky. I was bored, stiff, and instead of being that squirmy fish that makes an attempt to satisfy her partner, I took it upon myself to actually play dead.
"This is all right for now, but in the future you're gonna have to start doing something," I recall him telling me.
Have no fear, virgins, we were all in your shoes at some point. Once you get those shoes, socks, and underwear off, great things will happen.
According to Debby Herbenick from Psychology Today, 30 percent of all women ages 18 to 59 reported some pain the last time that they had sex. Losing your virginity is the most painful it will ever be, and the more time you leave between each attempt at reaching sexual bliss the longer it will take for you to loosen up down there.
In no way am I promoting you to allow your baby maker turn into an elastic band, we don't need any loosey gooseys; just something that won't suffocate his penis would be nice.
Losing your virginity is overrated, but getting past the first 10 painful attempts and finally getting down and dirty is not. So get that V-card swiped like you would your credit card at a Jeffrey Campbell shoe sale. Just don't max out your card and go wild with a high number of partners – instead, go wild with positions and let the crotch stabbing become your paradise.
P.S – Please don't go and slut it up in the bathroom of Mojo's or in the bushes outside of a frat party. If you're not emotionally ready to give up your virginity, whatever that means, then disregard this column. Be safe, be smart, and be sexual.
Email: keren.baruch@ubspectrum.com
