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Wednesday, May 22, 2024
The independent student publication of The University at Buffalo, since 1950

Not in my country

God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
That is the simplest way to explain why the homosexuals in this country need to understand that gay marriage is just not feasible. The fight should be over, and they should go back to being fabulous hairdressers and designers.
It is true that every person has the right to be happy with the person he or she loves, except homosexuals. This is as true as the fact that gay people are better athletes than white people.
For some reason, this minority of the greater public is under the impression that they are like any other citizen of these great United States and should be allowed to get the benefits of marriage.
That is just un-American.
If gay marriage were made legal, what would they call each other, husband and husband or wife and wife? Oh, the humanity! Think of what that would do to the children? Will you please just think of the children?
Straight people in this country who support gay marriage are not only turning their backs on what is right, but also showing that they failed to learn the lessons that Franklin J. Schaffner's cinematic masterpiece, Planet of the Apes, tried to teach.
Although it has been widely believed that the film criticized mankind's feelings of superiority and strong religious beliefs, I think it is obvious that Schaffner wanted viewers to see the atrocious results of giving everyone equal rights. The acclaimed director was ahead of his time and knew that giving homosexuals the right to get married would result in the demise of society as we know it.
The film shows that once the gay community is given all of the same rights as the upstanding straight community, it will overthrow those in power and lock us up like beasts. Heterosexuals will be forced to live in shambles at the will of gays from all across this country.
The director's message against gay people can be clearly seen. (I mean, he portrayed homosexuals as apes, right? Yeah, I think that is what he meant.) Schaffner depicted them in this animalistic light because gay people aren't as good as humans.
I plan on starting a research program – using the same great minds of science that are trying to disprove global warming – to see if homosexuals actually are, indeed, humans. Having absolutely no background in science (and, full disclosure, I don't really care for this whole "science" thing), I am pretty sure that those that are attracted to the same sex are not part of our infallible species.
So far I have tested the genetic makeup of exactly .5 homosexuals – someone who is bi counts as half – and found nothing different. This might be because I don't know how to test genetics, but I am still hopeful I will find something.
Leviticus 18:22 says, "[Thou] shall not lie with a male as one does with a woman. It is an abomination." And God would not create humans that do not follow his rules, and creatures that don't follow his word aren't humans. I mean, everyone goes to church every Sunday and listens to Leviticus 19:19 and "[does] not wear material woven of two kinds of material," which is why I only wear denim.
Many have known for a long time that "the gays" are inferior and that they shouldn't be considered equals. This is excluding Freddy Mercury, Kevin Spacey, Tom Hanks's character from Philadelphia, Elton John, Greg Louganis, Truman Capote, Pete Townshend and the dad from the Brady Bunch, because those guys were super cool.
As this is the greatest country in the world, we can compromise. The best possible option is that instead of husbands or wives, they will be called "man friends," as even a manly man like me can admit to loving his good "man friends." We can figure out a name for females when we get there.
This protects the children from the traumatic confusion of seeing two people that love each other sharing the term "husband" and preserves the sanctity of marriage.
As everyone knows, defending the holiest of all the sacraments – which has turned into nothing more than a legal agreement – in a secular nation should be of the upmost priority. Marriage is a sacred thing; this can be seen by the amount of divorces and affairs in this country.
Listen, my middle name may be Allen, but it might as well be America. We need to stand up for what is right, and protect the kids – think about the kids.
Allowing everyone to have the same rights for marriage would make our forefathers sick. And it would likely result in the whole world becoming gay; it only makes sense.

E-mail: didyoureallygetthisfar@ubspectrum.com

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