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Wednesday, August 17, 2022
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Black to take leave of absence

Dennis Black, vice president of student affairs for the University at Buffalo, held a press conference on Monday where he announced he would be taking a leave of absence from duties effective April 1.

"It's come to the point in my life where I need to stop messing around and follow my dreams," Black said. "I've achieved my goals in the professional domain, and now I need to go for the physical domain."

The Student Affairs Administrators in Higher Education awarded Black the 2010 Fred Turner Award for outstanding service on March 9.

"It was a huge honor," Black said. "But this is as far as I want to go with UB."

Bored with his well above-average appearance and numerous carnal conquests, Black has shifted his attention away from the drab undergraduate community and has set sail for something a bit more otherworldly.

Black has recently announced his intent to participate in the 62nd National Amateur Body Builders' Association Universe competition in the United Kingdom in October.

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Behind those slick power ties and fresh pressed shirts lie a pair of oiled-up pecs that are begging to be touched.

According to Black, the silver fox decided to compete in the Mr. Universe contest after repeatedly watching movies from The Terminator series. Since Arnold Schwarzenegger, the star of the movies, has achieved both professional and physical goals, Black feels the need to follow in the footsteps of his hero.

Schwarzenegger was the NABBA Universe Amateur champion in 1967 and the NABBA Universe Professional champion in 1968, 1969 and 1970. Schwarzenegger also enjoys acting, taking steroids, playing with his cats, buying Hummers and governing the state of California.

"I understand that I have a lot of things going against me, but I've always wanted to [enter the competition]," Black said, as he ran his hand through his salt-and-pepper hair and gave a boyish grin. "My wife thinks that I have a pretty good shot."

Black won the Mr. Buffalo bodybuilding championship at the Center for the Arts on Saturday, where he donned a magenta Speedo and strutted across the stage in front of nearly 800 people.

"I could see his muscles rippling from the back of the auditorium," said a senior male theater major who wished to be kept anonymous because he was afraid Black would beat him up. "It really intimidated me."

Black Dynamite spends his days working out, looking at himself in the mirror and watching various Rocky montages to get himself pumped for the competition.

He is currently working his way to 20-pound weights and runs up to five miles a day. Black also got a membership at a tanning salon.

"I'm trying to cut down on sweets and work out as much as I can," Black said as he ran on the treadmill and listened to Hannah Montana. "When I crave something fattening, it just makes me want to train harder. Chocolate goes right to my thighs!"

Although this is a passion of Black's, he doubts that he will keep training after he undoubtedly wins the competition. However, plans of whether or not he will return to UB are still questionable.

"If he doesn't come back, I'll be pretty pissed," said UB President John Simpson. "I, like, trained him, you know? I don't feel like going through the interview process again. It's quite annoying."

UB's sexiest official knows that he needs to follow his dreams. Luckily, that involves tanning, lifting and oiling himself up.

"I have to go get some baby oil," Black said, as he flexed his huge arm muscles. "Target is having a sale. These puppies aren't going to shine themselves!"


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