Soma Invented

???Soma good. Make bad thoughts go away. Scientist make Soma, now no more troubles.

???Before Soma, always bad thoughts. Even when good thoughts, still bad thoughts. Sad. Angry. Guilty.

???Now Soma! All pink and fuzzy, even when not!

???Soma work on head. Soma make head do nice things for us, even when good things not happen. Soma make noise and picture that not there, but not scary. Pictures fun, and make happy thoughts that real as real can be.

???Soma also make energy so no sleep when you don't want. Also make tingle time on skin and eyes so fun to be awake even when not seeing pictures.

???Also Soma take away pain when hurt for real, like other pills, but not make you want more when having more would be naughty. Soma scientists say Soma 'non-habit-forming.'

???Soma make sex awesome. Soma make last night with friend fun fun fun, and long time too. Not bigger though.

???Soma made because doctors say brain words hurt the world; better make brain words nice and soft so that they can't hurt more. Now Soma make all happiness and always say 'yes please' when voice tells us to stand in line.

???Soma can't kill. Soma good, only make more happy when take more Soma. If too much, like vacation! Soma vacations best vacations.

???Other doctors don't like Soma. Soma doctors say other doctors mean, but Soma make us listen anyway.

???"This drug is basically going to ruin our society," say doc Harper from a school. "Have you done any research at all? It's not physically addictive, but the high is too good to pass up! Good lord, this is going to destroy us, no one's going to ever work ever again! You people are insane!"

???Soma change Harper word after Soma get into Harper drink.

???"Oh my God I feel like an orgasm dipped in cocaine. This is. Good. Feeling."

???Then Harper fall over.

???Soma doctors say good things about Soma, talk pretty.

???"Have you taken your Soma yet? There's a good boy. You feel nice now, don't you? And we all like nice boys. Don't forget to take your Soma everyday! And give some to your friends."

???Nice man give reporter two hands of Soma, but reporter lost Soma. Also lost two weeks, but not think that connected.

???Soma dropped in sand place where bad men are, say Soma Doctors. Now sand place happy too.

???"The CIA wrote us a check that was bigger than I can count, and I went to Johns Hopkins. But you can't tell anyone about that, young man," say Soma Doctor. "Hm. Take some more of these pills and forget I mentioned it. You don't have a recorder do you?"

???Soma happy make reporter lie to Soma Doctor. Soma Doctor reporter's friend, have Soma. Now reporter feel bad.

???More Soma!

*April Fool's Issue Disclaimer - The content of this article was published as a "joke" and may contain invalid or false information.