Invasion of the Kay Jeweler Zombies

I think it's time to admit that Valentine's Day has gotten away from us, a bit. In fact, I think it's time we finally banded together and did away with it.

For the last month, we've been bombarded with advertisements that range from crass to vaguely touching, all touting February 14th as the day when we're all supposed to tell our paramours that we love them. Walk into any convenience store in America and you see red teddy bears that sing old love songs, sappy cards, and candy made of earwig honey and bonemeal (If you believe Futurama).

Clubs start advertising V-Day parties, "red if you're taken, white if you're lookin'." I spent one stomach-churning day walking around with that insipid "Every kiss begins with Kay" song stuck in my head.

I'm not even going to get into the morbid self-examination that comes with this holiday for single folks. It's hard not to love a month that makes you feel like there's something wrong with you if you aren't joined at the hip with someone.

It's all very annoying, I know. But what can we expect? We like to give people gifts and we love to get them, and Valentine's Day is the next best thing to Christmas in most companies' minds. There's a reason they call it a "Hallmark holiday." We brought this on ourselves, etc. The consumerism of the holiday isn't really what bothers me.

What bothers me is that we're supposed to need a holiday like Valentine's Day. My mother isn't going to like me saying this, but Valentine's Day is worthless. A day devoted to telling our people we love them shouldn't be necessary. No one in love needs to be reminded to genuflect to their lover.

We need Mother's Day. We need Father's Day. Better yet, I need Father's Day and Mother's Day. I feel like I need two days out of the year that really remind me to get right with my folks. But I don't need...lover's day?

People don't even seem to like Valentine's Day. I've never heard anyone say, "Valentine's Day is coming," with the same enthusiasm that they put into "Christmas is coming!" No one says "I'm gonna get some candy hearts" with the same vigor as "I'm gonna get some fun-size snickers and a cherry bomb!"

In fact, people seem to dread this holiday. It shoves self-examination down our throats in the worst possible way and it's wrapped in sex anxiety, like a prom-themed roller coaster.

I get the sense that we're putting ourselves through this ringer each February. We're supposed to reflect so deeply on our relationships on a day that really worships some bizarre fantasy of love that should only be looked at once a year, some twisted emotion that can be manipulated by a string of diamonds. Those people live in a nightmare world, and their evil little children, whenever I see them on TV, make me gag. I call these people the Kay Jeweler Zombies.

I don't think I even need to start on the random slew of "Valentine's Day" movies that came out. Step Up 2 The Streets, Jumper, and Definitely Maybe...if anything says "hopeless romanticism," it's battle dancing, teleporting 20-somethings and Ryan Reynolds. What message are we supposed to take from which medium on February 14th? Buy diamonds, be a hopeless romantic for a day and save your girlfriend from Sam Jackson?

Real people don't need a holiday to remind them how lucky they are to be in love, and people that aren't in love don't need a holiday to tell them there's something wrong with them. The feeling of being in love is the best feeling a person can get without pumping themselves full of chemicals. Who forgets about that? Who forgets to thank whoever makes them feel that way as much as they can? The people in the Kay Jewelers commercials, that's who. You don't want to be like the Kay Jeweler Zombies, do you?

A relationship is work, and Valentine's Day perpetuates some sad little myth that love can be ignored for a year and then bought back with a bauble. Being in love is hard, and it's hard to be a good enough person for someone you love. But we know it's worth it.

There are people out there for whom we should do something for every single day. It doesn't matter how small the gesture, as long as it shows them how much you care. These are the people who deserve to hear you say, every day, "I love you."