Great news for the Y/Z Generation of the outermost latitudes! Right now, a global miracle is in the works.
According to lots of scientists worldwide, within 63 years a location like Buffalo could hold the same climate mid-winter as the soft, pleasant Januaries of North Carolina!
Just think of it - no more "Closed for the Season" signs on all the staircases. No more freezing winds whipping your face and giving you permanent frostbite. No more snow-drenched Uggs that smell like wet, rotting animals.
Rather, we could be swimming in Lake Erie right now, soaking up the warm rays of the sun. Lord knows I'm so pale I could pass for a diagram of the circulatory system.
All people have to do, officials claim, is keep increasing the amount of carbon dioxide being put into the air, like we purportedly have been for the past fifty years.
Compiled below are some methods to help increase global warming, and the additional benefits therein.
Also, those whiney polar bears will just have to deal. Zoos exist for a reason.
1. Scientists claim that an answer to global warming could be to reduce the use of fossil fuels and rely instead on natural resources like corn, woodchips, or grass. CORN? Why the hell would anyone want their car to run on corn? Are we mushwagons? No! This good nation was built on fossil fuels. Use generously.
2. Reproduce a lot. The more resource-abusing kids you pop out, the more people you'll have to clean the house.
3. Make sure everyone of legal driving age in your household owns a car. That way, all your dumb kids don't keep asking you for rides everywhere. And if you can't afford to do that much, at least buy some gas.
4. Be sure to go on long, aimless drives with the family, in your respective cars of course. Family bonding is a staple of this good nation.
5. Breathe a lot. Doctors say it's important to take deep breaths in and out every so often in order to reduce stress, so be sure to take large, continuous gasps in class, in church, at meetings, or any other space that is cramped, overwhelming, and depleted of oxygen. Remember: Take while the taking's good.
6. Put your lights on. Why? Because Carlos Santana said so. Seriously though, burglars will break into your house if you don't leave all your electronics on at all hours of the day and turn your TV up really, really loud.
7. Buy a lot of stuff, even if you don't need it. Especially lots and lots of plastics. There's a great future in them.
8. Keep doing whatever else you're doing right now, because it's working.
Al Gore has made the opposite claim in "An Inconvenient Truth" that global warming will actually cause the polar caps to melt and make their way to the Northeastern U.S. in the form of terrifying, Arctic winters. But what does he know? He wasn't even president.
Besides, the Bible always said that the Apocalypse was going to happen, so why deny the inevitable? And besides, who really wants to argue with the man upstairs? Either way, you can't argue that anything but good will come out of global warming.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
