In the eighteen years of my life, I've seen many movies about many different things. Recently, I've come to the conclusion that the best movie I have ever seen is, and will always be, "Crank." Why? Well, relax my young reader, because I'm about to divulge.
Directed by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, "Crank" consists of the last day of hit man Chev Chelios' life. He wakes up and finds a DVD next to his television that has revolting words and insults on it. Upon putting the DVD in the television, Chelios is told by a drug lord named Ricky Verona that he has been injected with a deadly poison during his slumber and will die in minutes.
From this point on the film is a crazy, trippy, non-stop wild ride of blood, drugs and sex. Chelios finds out that the only way he can stay alive is to keep his adrenaline level up constantly. How does he find this out? By his illegal underground doctor who is also a part time pimp of course.
So in order to stay alive and kicking, Chelios, played by Jason Statham, fights an entire gang while snorting blow, beats up a cop and steals his motorcycle, and tears down the street riding it clothed in only a hospital gown, which reveals a massive erection. Don't ask. Just watch and enjoy.
Statham is notorious for making awful, and awfully entertaining movies. Case in point, the "Transporter" franchise. "Crank" is the crescendo of those films, as an 86-minute thrill completely devoid of real filmmaking in it. It's like an hour and a half long music video without a theme. He's just a guy who's pissed about dying so he decides to get revenge on everyone and everything until his last breath.
Despite the litany of insults, I was never bored during the movie. No matter what, my entertainment level was constantly over the top, as if I was snorting Johnny, ironically akin to the protagonist's adrenaline level.
Oh yea, Chelios also has a girlfriend who he has sex with in the middle of Chinatown. Why?
"Why not?" would be a more appropriate question.
I think it may be an interesting experiment. Go home and tell your girlfriend the only way you'll stay alive is if you keep your adrenaline up. Then wink at her, see if she gets the hint. It could be fun or it could back fire. Who knows? It sounds like it's worth a try to me.
Is the movie politically incorrect? Of course. Is it useless? Without a doubt. Is it a taut examination of American society through the eyes of the hit man who finds a conscience? No, not in the least.
You may remember the character Pedro from the less than desirable "Napoleon Dynamite." Yea, he's in this one too. Only this movie is actually good. If I want to waste my time, I'd rather watch Pedro get murdered than run for school president.
Readers may have noted that I just gave away a seemingly integral portion of the plot. Don't be angry, because this movie has nothing resembling a plot, so calm down.
Now, all this may seem a little intense for you. That's because it is. It's so incoherently awesome that you'll just smile the entire time. If Quentin Tarantino did speed and became illiterate, he would make a movie that is almost half as ridiculous as this. In a way, that's a huge compliment, or it could mean that you should avoid this movie like the bubonic plague. Or anthrax. Whichever you fear more.
On that note, I would like to send a notice out to the Academy while they count their Oscar votes for each respective category. I understand why "Crank" isn't in contention. Clearly, it couldn't be handled by most humans. So please, make up for this exclusion from the award season by rewarding "Crank" with the "Best Movie in the Universe" award. Kind of like a one time deal. Please, do it for me.
After all of this, many of you reading may be asking, 'Why, Dan, is "Crank" the best movie ever made? After all of your ridicule and criticism, how can you endorse such an overly exploitative waste of time?'
My answer to that is simply this: if you don't now know why it's the best movie ever after reading this article, there's no remaining hope for you.
So go, dear reader, and consider the task you are undertaking in watching "Crank." It may not be as extreme as doing the drug, but it's damn near close.
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
