The Dysfunctional Family Thanksgiving

There are those who look forward to Thanksgiving the entire year - and then there are those who would rather stay at home and watch TV by themselves.

Enduring yet another dysfunctional, tension-filled family gathering is a lot like having the flu. The end result is one big, unavoidable smelly mess.

Family is what it is. Sharing the same genetic makeup doesn't guarantee that everyone will get along. It won't stop your aunt or uncle from drinking too much and slurring offensive comments, or prevent someone from bringing up past grudges.

One meal isn't going to solve all of the family problems, or end like a 50s movie in which everyone hugs, reconciles and lives happily ever after as one strong, family unit. But it does allow you to sit down and laugh at your family's quarks, for better, for worse.

For your enjoyment, here is a compilation of the unspoken predictable Thanksgiving traditions that all of us share.

Before the meal

Someone is always late, and usually they are in charge of a main dish, like the dessert. The women ogle over the turkey like it is an infant and are protective over who will have the privilege of carving it.

There is the exchanging of belated gifts. "Uh, sorry, I forgot to mail you your birthday gift from July."

Pre-dinner hors d'oeuvres and alcoholic beverages help to lubricate any tension. Small talk between family members that don't know that much about each other, and the introductions of new boyfriends and girlfriends no one will ever see again, are everyone's least favorite aspects. The shrimp goes first.

The same comments resurface. "I can't believe an entire year has gone by!" "Christmas is just around the corner, and I haven't even started shopping." "Little Jonnie got so tall. What grade is he in again?" The adults that ask you about your future goals every time they see you. "You're going to be graduating soon, it went by soo fast."

An argument erupts over seating arrangements. Who is going to get stuck next to the aunt who never stops talking? Or across from the person who sprays food when they talk? Who sits at the head of the table?

During the meal.

Saying grace is just awkward. Always.

There is always too much food and not enough of the favorites. One staple item is always forgotten, burned, or dropped onto the floor, creating an upsetting situation that silences everyone in the room.

Individual dietary restrictions and allergies always come up after the meal is served, i.e. the cousin who became a vegetarian last month, or the sole member who is allergic to nuts.

Someone tries a new recipe that either becomes a new favorite, or an utter disaster. Attempts are made to hide the foreign substance in napkins or feed it to the family dog. At large family dinners, there is an "adult" table and a "kids" table. The adult table is always louder and rowdier.

Dinner conversation involves pop culture, sports or making fun of a member of the family. Political arguments and debates end with someone storming out of the room and slamming the door behind them for effect.

Diets go out the window and a meal that took days to prepare is consumed in 15 minutes. The brothers in the family partake in a belching contest to show their appreciation for the meal.

After the meal.

Grandma declares: "This will be my last time cooking Thanksgiving dinner." But she is always guilt-tripped into making a turkey again the next year.

Once football starts, the men disappear. Once in awhile they can be heard yelling at the TV, followed by a chair tipping over. Everyone scatters and one or two people are left behind to clean up.

Practical jokes ensue. Like putting whipped cream on a sleeping uncle's glasses.

Those who give up on conversation sit down to watch the same specials on TV. Home Alone, Charlie Brown, or A Christmas Story.

Names are drawn for the Christmas exchange. Those who pick the uncle who is hard to buy for always put the name back.

Small arguments over who gets the best leftovers and who gets the wishbone occur. Once the last dish is cleaned, everyone bolts for the door, and there is the shuffling of cars in the driveway as everyone says their goodbyes and leaves for home.

And no matter how unpleasant the day was, all families know it can only get worse. In a month, when the holidays roll around, the same faces will return for another celebration. After all, families never go away.