Taking it to the tree line

Girls are like a short fiction class that I sporadically attend. They both are impossible to understand and require you to take nothing at face value.

If that paragraph made absolutely no sense, and left you wondering, "Wait, what does that have to with sports?" then you know how I feel when I listen to the "reigning king of broadcast" Joe Buck and his court jester Tim McCarver. Whether it is Buck giving a soliloquy condemning an athlete having fun on the field or McCarver butchering another name, these two are sure to leave your head spinning.

It's time for regicide.

Though Buck and McCarver are clearly one and two, they are not the only ones guilty of this noise pollution. Here is a ranking of the 10 worst sports broadcasters in the galaxy.

1. Joe Buck: It can't be said enough how arrogant this man portrays himself. Though there are several reasons to hate his work, the No. 1 reason was his inappropriate outburst directed at Randy Moss as he faked mooning the Lambeau faithful during a 2004 playoff game between the Minnesota Vikings and the Green Bay Packers. In the words of Buck, I'm sorry you had to witness that.

2. Tim McCarver: McCarver is famous for his two-year run of permanently changing former Boston Red Sox pitcher Bronson Arroyo's name to "Brandon" Arroyo, during the 2003 and 2004 Major League Baseball playoffs.

My favorite McCarver story occurred during game two of the past World Series between the Detroit Tigers and the St. Louis Cardinals. After Buck was finished stating that Cardinals' power hitter Albert Pujols was due up second in the ninth inning, McCarver chimed in that a double play in the eighth inning was big because it guaranteed that Pujols would not bat in the ninth again. Read that again.

I ask you, how does someone with such little common sense have a job on national television?

3. Stuart Scott: I will admit it; I'm addicted to Sports Center. I watch it every night and again in the morning. However, it's becoming more and more unbearable to watch, as ESPN continues to promote Stuart Scott. Scott does not understand the concept of the role of anchor on Sports Center: Read the damn highlights!

Scott is too interested in gaining street-cred by reciting lyrical poetry that has nothing to do with what is happening in the play, or shouting out his boy Jay-Z. If I wanted to hear a real rapper, I'd throw on my Vanilla Ice

4. Joe Theisman: Even his own Monday Night Football colleague, the great Tony Kornheiser, can not refrain from ripping on poor Joe. Theisman may know about football, but he has no discernable personality, charisma or sense of humor. Three aspects that may just be necessary for a commentator or analyst.

5. Skip Bayless: I'll let my fellow sports editor, Dave Jarka, explain the wonder that is Skip Bayless.

"Bayless is the Bill O'Reilly of the sports media. He spews his off-base opinions like he is the know-it-all of professional sports just to get reactions. I will never forget the episode of Cold Pizza when he said that Vince Young is the next Michael Jordan."

6. Michael Kay: I love the Yankees, thus I am very thankful for the YES Network. Yet not even the staunchest of Yankee supporters can say with a straight face that Kay does not openly root for the Yankees. Whether it is making up words such as "Jeterian," or coming up with another excuse for a slumping Alex Rodriguez, it is quite obvious that Kay is in bed with Yankee manager Joe Torre and owner George Steinbrenner.

7. Mike Tirico: If Stu Scott is "gangsta," then Tirico is "Leave It To Beaver." It says something about Monday Night Football's crew when two of three members of their broadcasting crew is on this list. Tirico's voice could put the worst insomniac to sleep.

8. Dan Marino: I actually have no problem with Marino as an analyst. But he is Beelzebub to Don Shula's Satan. Sorry. Squish the fish.

9. John Murphy: If you are a Niagara Purple Eagles fan, I'm sure you are thinking what your beloved Murph is doing on this list. However, my main bone to pick with Murph is how he consistently leads college basketball coverage with the Purple Eagles, when Buffalo has beaten Niagara three years in a row and plays in a better conference. Nice job being un-biased, Murph.

10. John Madden: "Watch this, right here, watch how I'm going to repeat myself and point out the obvious....BOOM!" The president of the "I want to sleep with Brett Favre fan club" has made a living of stating the obvious and telling the same story of how he's scared to fly. Pop a Zanax and get over it. You think Howie Long is scared to fly? The only reason Madden is only No. 10 is because I am quite partial to his video game.

There you have it, the 10 worst sports media members in the galaxy. I'm sure I've missed a few, and if anyone e-mails me asking where Chris Berman is on these rankings, well he's No. 2 on greatest sports media members in the galaxy, right behind Rick Jenerette. Deal with it.