Queen of pop should keep her secret

If listeners hadn't figured out by now that Madonna gets a kick out of being creepy, then her DVD documentary "I'm Going to Tell You a Secret" will set the record straight.

The film that documents her 2004 "Re-Invention" tour opens with a sequence that feels more like a trailer for "Saw III" than a pop diva release.

Director Jonas Akerlund, who also directed Madonna's "Ray of Light" video and the cult drug classic "Spun," shoots with a style that is aggressively raw. Using black and white shots with fast editing and quick cuts, the film satiates Madonna's desire to be artsy and bizarre.

The documentary includes convulsing sex slaves, rabid wolves and a voiceover reading from the Book of Revelations. For these two and a half minutes, "Secret" is actually inventive and intriguing.

Within the first fifteen minutes of the two-hour long bore, the divine point has been made. Madonna wants people to realize that the modern world they live in is "the beast" that will ultimately bring about their demise. Her recommendation to fight the beast is by following "the light," or the laws of the universe that make everyone feel warm and fuzzy. Well that and vote for Kerry.

Now enjoy having this painfully larger-than-life subject matter smeared across the screen over and over again and wait for the next bit of live footage to show up.

At time, the live sequences almost seem worth the wait. Her stage show production is breathtaking, comprised of elevating platforms, conveyor belts, hi-def screens and even a half pipe.

Classics like "Vogue" and "Like a Prayer" send the crowd into frenzy as the DVD effortlessly wields camera angles and effects never seen before.

Sadly, the tightness and sheer magnitude of her show is tainted by her decadent focus on religion and politics. Viewers don't really need to see a drab looking Madonna strumming on an acoustic guitar with an arena-filling crucifix backdrop. Or better yet, backup dancers dressed as priests and nuns.

It's all too painful to watch as the coned-bra-wearing sex icon travels down this path of self-proclaimed righteousness as if her millions of fans are willing to follow.

Included with the DVD documentary is a full length live CD. It is Madonna's first-ever live album release featuring 14 songs, and it almost makes sitting through the DVD worth it.