Wit and wisdom to poop on

Late-night TV funnyman Conan O'Brien left a near-capacity crowd in stitches Saturday night at Alumni Arena, but don't be fooled by his "pimp on the prowl" persona. Between punch lines, the Harvard-educated, Diet Pepsi-drinking student-choice speaker offered earnest advice and insight to his career in showbiz.

The final speaker in this year's Distinguished Speaker Series, O'Brien opted to spend his entire allotted time answering questions submitted both by students via the Student Association's Web site and handed in at the event.

Before he came on stage, a video of clips from his show, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," played to warm up the crowd of students, faculty and community members.

"They roll a long tape of Conan O'Brien acting like an ass," the comedian said, noting it was aired directly after President John B. Simpson and SA President Dela Yador addressed the clout of the speaker series. Throughout the night, O'Brien carried the idea that he was out of place in a lineup including former Secretary of State Colin Powell and string theorist Brian Greene.

Paired with event moderator Dennis Black, UB's vice president for Student Affairs, O'Brien had no intentions of being a podium lecturer.

"I'm going to roam a bit like I have one of those daytime talk shows," O'Brien said, at one point reclining on stage as if posing on the beach.

Questions posed to the "Late Night" host - read by students whose questions were chosen by SA - started with O'Brien's youth. When asked about his early influences, he attributed comedians W.C. Fields, Johnny Carson and the Marx Brothers. After getting to college, David Letterman was added to the list.

"I felt like he (Letterman) was speaking to me through the television," O'Brien said.

In a twist of fate, O'Brien would take over "Late Night" from Letterman in 1993. He explained that he got the job because he was so relaxed in the audition - mainly because he thought he had no chance of getting the job.

"It's shocking how little you have to lose," said O'Brien on trying out. "You might as well just try, just listen to that voice...you can't wait."

He then snapped back from counselor to comic to add: "Terrible advice, actually, for most things," and he urged those in attendance not to take his words to heart and go stab anyone.

When asked about the dance moves he tends to flaunt on his show (and on stage in Alumni), O'Brien said whereas some celebrities have a very different stage persona than their actual personality, "I'm an ass 24/7."

"I do it because I can't help it," he explained, calling his moves instinctive. "No one in their right mind would decide that...I was doing so many shows I stopped thinking about it."

One of his hot topics on "Late Night," O'Brien did touch on recent celebrity happenings in response to a student question about actor and Scientologist Tom Cruise. The student wanted to know what, if given the chance, Conan would ask the recent headliner in an interview.

"I would stun him immediately with some sort of electronic device," O'Brien replied. "We don't question Tom Cruise anymore, we confine him."

In one of his smoother transitions of the evening, Dennis Black reminded students that if they wanted to give Cruise a chance to respond, they could do so by voting for him as next year's Student Choice Speaker on the back of their question cards.

O'Brien developed his own plan for making Cruise's possible appearance a hit by providing every student in the audience with a foam mallet to use on the actor.

"I will supply the money for the foam mallets," O'Brien said.

With a show known for sometimes-outlandish sketch comedy, one student question focused on censorship in the media. O'Brien said sketches like "the Masturbating Bear" aren't necessarily approved by network executives, but occasionally the suits upstairs do pull the plug on some ideas, "Tokey the Anti-drug Bong" being one such sketch.

Making the transition from writing, like his time at "The Simpsons," to hosting a comedic talk show was one that the 13-year veteran of "Late Night" said was a good step for him. Instead of a delayed turnaround on something he wrote getting on screen, O'Brien said he loves the chaos and quick decisions of being on a nightly show.

"There's a camel, there's a pimp robot, there's a corn-on-the-cob wearing a thong," he said referencing "Late Night" backstage before a given episode is about to be taped. The same attitude of thinking on his feet is what O'Brien plans to take with him to "The Tonight Show" in 2009 when he replaces current host Jay Leno.

"It's not a science," the "Late Night" host said. "Even science isn't a science. It's just people trying to figure things out."

When he gets into the new position, O'Brien said, "Every day (will be) just trying to do a funny 'Tonight Show'."

Once again breaking up his advice with moments of off-the-cuff comedy, O'Brien expressed his disappointment with the large buffalo statue on stage.

"This thing is plastic...there's candy in here, it's a pi?+/-ata...Colin Powell, did he bang on this thing too?" O'Brien said, directly blaming Black, the straight-laced moderator, for the shortcoming of the statue.

Taking a page from "Late Night's" infamous puppet, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, O'Brien once again belittled his position in the speaker series lineup, which was sponsored by the Student Association.

"Very distinguished - for me to poop on," O'Brien said.

For aspiring writers and comedians in the audience, the highly successful TV host offered advice based on his years spent breaking into showbiz.

"The number one thing to do is start to write," O'Brien said. "You're 21, 22, 23 now, you can do it."

Acknowledging that it isn't an easy business to break into, he explained that the work was worth it. His message included the effect of making oneself a physical presence in the industry, even if it means being someone's coffee gopher.

"I lived on Ramen Pride noodles and canned tuna fish for a while," O'Brien said. "A lot of it is you gotta love it."

At the end of his almost 90-minute long speech, O'Brien jumped up to one of the cameras in front of the stage and kissed and licked the lens, in similar style to his nightly monologue on "Late Night." The speech also featured tidbits of research about UB laced into the comedian's comments, including references to the walk from South to North Campus, specifically after a night of drinking, after the buses stop running, and calling UB "the crown jewel of the SUNY system."

When asked if he would mention us on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" sometime this week, O'Brien replied: "Under the condition you all get Nielson boxes... I'll work you in next week."